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DEAR ABBY: I recently married my husband two months ago, but I’ve kept our marriage a secret from everyone except a few close friends and family members. Out of the blue, I received a message from someone claiming my husband has Asperger’s, and they somehow know my name and phone number. I’m puzzled about who this person could be and why they chose to inform me now.
While I had my own suspicions about my husband having Asperger’s, the confirmation has left me in turmoil. I am struggling with sleep and my thoughts are in disarray. Just recently, I lost my mother to cancer, and now I am faced with this unsettling news. My previous relationship was with a narcissist who was a habitual liar, and now I find myself worried that I’m with someone who might be deceiving me as well.
The thought of being lied to again is causing me a great deal of distress. I am considering asking my husband to undergo an assessment, but I feel my trust in him is wavering. Could you offer any guidance? — LOSING AGAIN IN CANADA
DEAR LOSING: Anonymous messages often come from individuals looking to create discord rather than genuinely help. Before requesting an assessment for Asperger’s from your husband, I suggest researching the condition thoroughly online to better understand it.
Additionally, you might want to reach out to the Association for Autism and Neurodiversity (aane.org), a resource I have previously recommended in my column, for more information and support.
If what you learn from reliable resources indicates that it could be your husband’s problem, then by all means suggest he be assessed. He may not necessarily be “lying” to you as much as being in denial. This does not have to destroy a marriage. Many successful people are on the spectrum.
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DEAR ABBY: My best friend and co-worker is 57. I’m 32. Her husband died two years ago, leaving her and her 22-year-old son alone. We’ve been best friends and co-workers for the last six years, but over the last few months, I’ve been realizing she’s a lot more to me than just a friend.
I am nervous about trying to make advances because I don’t know if the feelings are mutual or how she views our age difference. I don’t want to risk ruining our friendship.
I just know that my heart skips a few beats when our eyes meet or our fingers accidently touch. I’ve realized these last few months that I’m falling hard for her, and I’m afraid to let her know. If I don’t, however, my feelings are going to eat me alive. What should I do? — FALLING FOR HER IN KANSAS
DEAR FALLING: Ask your best friend (and co-worker) to join you for a casual lunch or dinner. Keep it light but tell her how much you enjoy her company and ask if the age difference between you bothers her. If the answer is no, explain that you care very much for her and wonder if she’d be open to the idea of dating you.
If she says yes, and there are rules at your job that discourage “fraternizing,” you may have to find another place to work. If she responds that dating would be awkward, let her know you will always be her friend because you think she is special.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.