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DEAR ABBY: At 40, I find myself single with no children or partner, and I’ve noticed a growing challenge in getting my parents to visit my home for dinner. They live a mere 45-minute drive away, are retired, and in good health. Friends and acquaintances will vouch for my home’s cleanliness, pleasant aroma, and my love for cooking.
Securing a visit from them often feels like a rare occurrence, akin to a divine intervention. Despite inviting them thrice weekly (given their usual refusals on the initial attempts), they only accept every few months, which feels disheartening. I’ve broached the subject with them, yet it remains unresolved.
Recently, after an extended period, they finally agreed to come, only to cancel the same day. They seem to have no problem frequently engaging with my nieces, attending yoga, concerts, city trips, and other activities. It seems they expect me to visit them, and if I decline, I’m met with, “Oh, why?”
Having felt like the black sheep for 25 years, I wonder if being married with children would change their willingness to visit, as they do for my brother and sister-in-law. What advice do you have? — HOME ALONE IN NEW YORK
DEAR HOME ALONE: Your parents appear to have a vibrant and active lifestyle. In their view, it might seem more practical for you to visit them. Your letter hints at some sibling rivalry. Since you can’t compel others to alter their behavior, it could be beneficial to shift your perspective on the family dynamics if you’re able to do so.
DEAR ABBY: I’m 19. My father’s mother has never been a grandmother figure in my life. No healthy relationship was ever formed. My dad says it was her fault, but she has implied that the fault lies with my mother. Dad’s mother accepts close to zero responsibility for the situation.
I recently, by accident, referred to her by her first name, and my aunt (Dad’s sister) thought it was disrespectful. How can I politely make her understand that I wasn’t being disrespectful because there is no relationship? I don’t think anyone sees this from my point of view. There’s an overwhelming consensus that I need to forgive and forget because she is technically my grandmother. I don’t share this feeling. Any thoughts? — TECHNICALLY THE GRANDDAUGHTER
DEAR GRANDDAUGHTER: You do not have to forgive and forget a grandmother who never tried to have a relationship with you. However, in order to keep peace in the family, you DO have to treat the woman with respect. A way to do that would be to use her honorific and refer to her as “Grandma.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.