“My Husband Holds Me Responsible for My Menstrual Cycle”

DEAR ABBY: I’m feeling frustrated with my husband. We have been together for 18 years. When my menstrual cycle is approaching, he becomes anxious and insists on being intimate because he travels for work and is only home four nights a week. If intimacy doesn’t happen, he sulks, then becomes angry and distant, asking repeatedly when we can be intimate again.

Despite how I might feel during my period, my emotions are dismissed. He accuses me of not prioritizing him, even though he’s frequently out volunteering until after 11 p.m. My day starts at 6:30 a.m., so I can’t stay up that late and still function properly the next day. Is it fair for him to be upset with me because of a natural bodily function? Am I obligated to ensure he is satisfied before my period begins? — BLAMED IN CANADA

DEAR BLAMED: Your husband seems to be both insensitive and demanding. It is not appropriate for him to feel angry about something that is a natural part of your body’s cycle. Are you “responsible” for making sure he is content, irrespective of your exhaustion or early morning responsibilities, while he stays out nearly every night until midnight? Absolutely not. If this is how he approaches intimacy, he could benefit from some education. I strongly recommend that both of you discuss these issues and seek a compromise with the guidance of a licensed marriage and family therapist.

P.S. Sex in marriage is supposed to be consensual, a loving act of communication, not submission to domination.

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DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband to cancer five months ago. When I listen to sad music or watch a sad movie, I think of him and cry. He was a good man who had a lot of friends who cared about him. He also loved life. 

I spent all my time taking care of him until the day he died. I did everything for him while he was home and stayed by his side. When he died, I held his hand and kissed him goodbye. Will I ever find another husband to spend my life with? What should I do now? — LOST FOR NOW IN TEXAS

DEAR LOST: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. The void he has left is palpable. Your chances of finding another mate depend upon whether you are prepared to take as good care of yourself as you did the man you lost. By that, I mean keeping yourself busy enough that you don’t have time to be depressed. 

Maintain your physical health by getting out of the house and exercising (walking) at least half an hour each day. Rebuild your social life so you aren’t sitting alone at home listening to sad music and brooding. Volunteer in your community. All of these things will expose you to other people and help you be your best self. While I can’t guarantee it will get you a mate, it will improve the odds.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.