I used to believe in true love, cherished my innocence, and got married early. I couldn't have been more mistaken

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Watch Insight’s episode No Regrets — exploring how regret can be useful, and if a life of no regrets is possible — on SBS On Demand.

One of my biggest regrets is placing a high value on my sexual purity and virginity. I’ve since learned that is a recipe for disaster.

Getting married quickly also falls into that category. I now tell my kids that it’s okay to date for fun, it’s a good idea to be with someone before you marry them, and it’s okay to travel as much as you want before you settle down.

No rush. No hurry. Be young while you’re young, and save the adult-ing for later.

When I was young, I was a devout Christian and hopeless romantic.

I met my husband at 19 and married him when I was 21. It never crossed my mind that getting married so early would be something I’d come to regret.

In my circles, becoming a wife and having children was inevitable and ideal. So, as soon as I hit a marriageable age, I found someone who was good-looking, had a solid family background, and was interested in me.

I was barely out of my childhood when I put on an ivory gown and vowed to “take this man as my husband, my lover and my best friend” when we’d never lived together, I’d never had sex with him, and we had very few shared interests.

A head-and-shoulders shot of a smiling bride in a white dress. She is wearing a white pulled-back veil with and holding a small bunch of pink and white roses. There are pink and white roses in a band on her head.

Catherine married her husband without living with him or having sex with him, and sharing few interests. Source: Supplied

Aside from our religious faith, we had completely different values.

I was only a few days into our honeymoon when I realised what a big step I’d taken and how scarily permanent it was.

Married, but alone

Over time, I realised I’d jettisoned part of my identity by and becoming a wife.

I remember feeling ill about it, but I was in love and determined to follow through on my commitment.

I ended up following his lead. I moved with him when he was offered job opportunities and supported all his decisions.

For years we lived under the same roof on two very different tracks. I felt my husband was consumed by his work and sport, while I knuckled down and applied myself to the task of making us a family.

Unable to have children due to health conditions, I focused on fertility treatments and adoption processes.

I put my life on pause for seven years. I refused job opportunities, established roots instead of travelling, and put every cent I earned towards adopting our first child, a daughter.

Despite my latent feminist tendencies, I chose to do these things because I was desperate to be a mother.

But I was desperately sad and lonely.

A one-sided life

We ended up with four children. On the surface, life looked pretty much the way I’d wanted it to be.

But I was suffocating.

I loved being a mum. I just never thought parenting would be something I’d feel like I was doing solo from inside a marriage.

Eventually, I was able to acknowledge I had changed myself to suit what I thought he wanted.

The end of my marriage became a gift that allowed me to be myself again.

A new life — but with regrets

It felt freeing to invite my dreams back. I’m outgoing, intelligent and adventurous — all the qualities I felt my former partner didn’t really value in me.

It wasn’t easy but I managed to complete a Master’s degree, progress my teaching career, travel extensively through South East Asia and buy a house.

A woman sits on some stone steps and smiles, surrounded by colourful lanterns.

Catherine describes the end of her marriage as a “gift”. Source: SBS

I’ve come to regret racing into adulthood and marriage so quickly. My former partner and I both needed to be kids for a lot longer before settling down.

And we should have learned more about each other before making a lifetime commitment.

I don’t regret the children we have together. Our kids are the absolute best!

But it’s been tricky to adjust my views on faith and relationships, and responsibly prepare my kids for their own futures.

Because I want something very different for them.

And for more stories head to , hosted by Kumi Taguchi. From sex and relationships to health, wealth, and grief Insightful offers deeper dives into the lives and first-person stories of former guests from the acclaimed TV show, Insight.

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