Step right up ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and lay your eyes on the rarest and most dangerous of creatures: New York’s Biggest Liar.

Hailing from the wilds of Albany, this is a conniving colossus of canards, a freak of fabrication, a behemoth of balderdash. We call it Andrew Cuomo.

Careful, madam, careful! Don’t get too close to the bars, he’ll grope you. 

Similar to its relatives in the chamaeleo genus, the Cuomo has a remarkable ability to change its appearance. Here, it masquerades as a moderate Democrat, a species believed to be rare.

But put him in a room with others of its kind, and suddenly his shape shifts.

Initially pledging to allow New Yorkers to benefit from fracking, the Cuomo suddenly shifted position, prohibited it, and swiftly closed down the Indian Point nuclear power plant, causing electricity prices to soar.

One of the Cuomo’s most notable facades occurred when it posed as the Savior of Covid. Constructing elaborate facades, discussing scientific matters at length, all while sending numerous elderly individuals to perish in nursing homes, where the virus spread unchecked.

Sir! Don’t be fooled! He will try to claim the federal government told him to do it. More of his lies! Congress actually suggested he be criminally charged. Yes, for perjury!

He was also the governor who didn’t have a problem with people marching maskless and looting stores at the height of Covid — but said that you couldn’t go to a bar unless you ordered a sandwich.

Hey, he’s a liar — the lies don’t always need to make sense.

Young lady, please, best keep your distance. He’s been known to forcibly kiss.

Oh, he’ll tell you that part was all a witch hunt, suggesting that he’s allowed to fondle women because he’s Italian. Yes, fine gentleman in the back, he did say that! 

But know that an eight-month investigation by the Assembly found “overwhelming evidence” he sexually harassed women.

The Attorney General found the same. Legislators also noted that he abused his power to make his staff help with a book he was paid $5 million to “write.” Wicked, tricksy and false!

Now good people, get ready. For the World’s Biggest Liar is planning his most grand con yet. 

He aims to fool the voters of New York City that he should be their mayor, that he’s the most sensible, middle-of-the-road candidate there is. 

Needless to say, don’t believe him.

Who! I ask. Who signed the justice “reforms” that means you can’t lock up criminals. Who changed the discovery laws, so more cases are thrown out?

Who is the reason the clerk at Duane Reade needs to unlock the toothpaste for you?

I am pointing to him now! Why he is no less than the man who stands before you, Raggedy Andy, the fabulist, the misleader, the maligner. 

He has cost you money, made your city less safe, bungled a historic pandemic and, we hear, steals lollipops from babies.

People of Gotham, he’s caged now, but don’t let him out. Ignore his delusions, dodge his hugs. You have seen his true colors. We can’t let his lies hurt us again.