America’s Sussex-haters are feeling deflated today, as it seems like the Privileged Prince of Privacy may be here on US soil to stay.

The Department of Homeland Security made Prince Harry’s visa application public on Tuesday, but unlike what happened to JFK’s files, the Duke’s documents did not receive the same treatment. 

Instead of a bona fide document dump, we got a few sheets of near-fully redacted pages that could just as easily have been Queen Me-Again’s recipe book.

That had Harry’s hasslers over at the right-leaning think tank the Heritage Foundation very upset. You see, the folks there have had one of Meghan’s honeybees in their bonnets for years – and filed a Freedom of Information Act request demanding to know if Harry had lied on his visa application when asked about any current and past drug use.

If our red-headed bon-vivant’s memoir Spare is to be believed, in the past he was dabbling in weed, cocaine and psychedelics.

So, what was it, Harry? A false confession to sell more books – or the God’s honest truth? Old dudes cosplaying ‘Just So No’ Nancy Reagan need to know!

If potentially High-As-A-Kite Harry lied and claimed to be clean-as-a-whistle – the prudes at Heritage say – he should be kicked out of the country on his keister.

No doubt this prospective deportation must have had Border Czar Tom Homan salivating at the thought of frog-marching a royal through Montecito’s town square – giving the Pilates moms some hot tittle-tattle to sprinkle over their kombuchas.

America’s Sussex-haters are feeling deflated today, as it seems like the Privileged Prince of Privacy may be here on US soil to stay. (Pictured: Harry and Meghan at the 2025 Invictus Games). 

If our red-headed bon-vivant’s memoir Spare is to be believed, in the past Harry (pictured in 2004) was dabbling in weed, cocaine and psychedelics. 

Alas, now we’ll never know the truth! But it is worth pondering: would Harry fib?

I doubt it. For one, he seems to be bad at holding things back. Indeed, his past confessions have been downright Oedipal in nature, liking divulging that he slathered his late mother’s preferred face cream on his frost-bitten willy, during a chilly visit to the North Pole.

‘My mum used that on her lips’ he revealed in Spare. ‘I found a tube, and the minute I opened it, the smell transported me through time. I felt as if my mother was right there in the room.’

Oh, dear Lord. Harry, no! Can we deport him for that?

No, I think the King of Mar-a-Lago has taken the best approach to the hapless prince. When the Commander-in-Chief was asked last month if he would send Harry packing, he said: ‘I’ll leave him alone. He’s got enough problems with his wife. She’s terrible.’

You’re right, Mr. President. She’s punishment enough. And there isn’t enough cannabis in California to make it any better.

Hunty’s holiday

Speaking of ‘spares,’ Biden’s derelict second son has had his Secret Service protection revoked by President Trump.

Indeed, the (formerly) crack-happy Hunter – who was vacationing in South Africa at the time his detail was yanked – has been thrown to the lions!

That’s ok. Hunter can get on Elon Musk’s good side by pretending to be a South African farmer.

French Drip

Whip-smart White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt was asked on Monday to respond to a French politico who demanded the U.S. return the Statue of Liberty.

‘It’s only because of the United States that the French are not speaking German right now,’ she fired back with a smile

Mon Dieu! Can you imagine Karine Jean-Pierre coming up with such a slick retort?

That old Biden hack couldn’t find French toast on a brunch menu.

Toodles, Taylor!

Has Taylor gone to the mattresses?

The world’s most famous billionairess was a no-show at last weekend’s iHeart Radio Music awards show – where she dialed in with a virtual acceptance speech.

The ubiquitous songbird may be licking her boyfriend’s wounds after his humiliating Super Bowl loss, or she’s pregnant, or she’s been kidnapped by angry Kanye fans or she got DDD boobies and is letting the new fun bags settle in.

Either way, even in her absence, Taylor Swift is still, annoyingly, present.

Shoo, Schumer!

Out-of-touch dotard Senator Schmuck Chumer embarrassed himself on The View Tuesday by spouting Bernie Sanders-esque talking points shaming billionaires as government-hating tax cheats.

‘The Republican party are controlled by a small group of wealthy, greedy people. You know what their attitude is, ‘I made my money all by myself, how dare your government take my money from me.’

Dude, that’s the attitude of literally every small business owner and worker in this country!

Predatory Paltrow

Brad Pitt’s former girlfriend has turned into quite the cougar, bragging about bagging barely legal Timothee Chalamet in their latest film Marty Supreme.

Her kids are almost older than her co-star, and she’s going all Babygirl on her press tour, crowing about their coitus, ‘I mean, we have a lot of sex in this movie. There’s a lot…a lot.’

Yeah, your enthusiasm is ‘a lot,’ grandma.

Brad Pitt’s former girlfriend has turned into quite the cougar, bragging about bagging barely legal Timothee Chalamet in their latest film Marty Supreme. (Pictured: Timothee Chalamet and Gwyenith Paltrow on the set of Marty Supreme). 

Paltrow 2.0

More Gwynnie? Get this…

This mature movie matron says she is refusing the involvement of an on-set ‘intimacy coordinator,’ a creation of the #MeToo age.

‘I was like, ‘Girl, I’m from the era where you get naked, you get in bed, the camera’s on,’ Paltrow purred like a ravenous sex kitten.

No one tell, Blake Lively. From the sound of her lawsuit, she won’t take her coat off without an armed guard on standby.

Slay, Dragon!

Our astronauts are finally home after an eight-day orbital jaunt turned into a nine-month odyssey for ISS-squatters Butch Willmore and Sunita Williams.

They were stranded in space after their faulty Boeing Starliner was returned to Earth without them. That is, until Elon Musk sent his SpaceX Dragon Capsule to rescue them.

Butch and Sunita splashed down safely off the Florida coast Tuesday (and just in time for spring break).

We wish them a speedy recovery and cannot wait to hear all about their strange tale, and if the ISS will really be the setting for White Lotus Season 4.

Sour Lemon

Excommunicated CNN party boy Don Lemon is singing a sad tune, telling Bill Maher he was subjected to ‘really egregious’ sexual harassment at the network.

Allegedly, a lady co-worker ‘tweaked’ his nipple while they stood in the cafeteria. In her defense, Dapper Don was probably shirtless next to the freezer.

I think Lemon’s just mad that no one cares enough to ‘tweak’ him anymore.

Totally Depraved Sicko

A Minnesota lawmaker stepped in a steaming pile of virtue signaling when he tried to co-author a bill naming Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) as an official mental illness.

Later that day, he was busted after allegedly arranging to meet a teen girl for sex. Thankfully, the lady was an undercover cop.

Perhaps, this alleged sicko knows a thing or two about mental illness after all.