DEAR ABBY: My parents both passed away recently, my dad three years ago and my mom almost two years ago. They are laid to rest in the town where I live. Sadly, all other relatives from their generation have also passed.

Although I place artificial flowers on their graves, I rarely visit as do my children and grandchildren. We all cherish the memories we have of the time spent with my parents. My husband and I have decided on cremation with our ashes being scattered.

I place these flowers to show my respect for my parents, even though I often forget to change them seasonally. This inconsistency feels worse than not decorating at all. I feel the urge to stop this practice and reassure myself that it is acceptable. My dilemma is whether grave decorating is a tradition of the older generation and whether the current trend is to forgo this practice in today’s society. — GRAVE QUESTIONS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR GRAVE QUESTIONS: Allow me to express my sympathy for the loss of your parents. Grave decorating is a personal choice. Some individuals and families do it on the birthday of their deceased loved one; others do it on the anniversary of the death.

The time to show affection and respect to our loved ones is while they are living. If you did that, you have nothing to apologize for in deciding to scale it back or cease entirely.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired seniors. We live in a beautiful two-story house we built 14 years ago. At the time, we thought it would be our final home, but in my opinion, it no longer meets our needs. I want to move and downsize. The problem is that my wife doesn’t. 

Throughout our 50 years of marriage, we have lived in four houses, and each time I wanted to move, she did not. She becomes emotionally attached to a house. I have explained to her that we need a one-story house or condo closer to our kids, who live across town.

Just bringing up the subject gets her very upset. I believe I will die before she does. It would give me peace knowing that after my funeral, she would return home and not be faced with a lot of problems.

When I die, our children are going to want her to move closer anyway. She will then have to coordinate and handle the move on her own — a massive job even with the help of our two sons. I could easily take the position that I’ll be gone so what do I care, but I do care.

I have looked out for her our entire marriage, and I would like to finish the job. Advice? –– HERO HUSBAND IN OHIO

DEAR HERO HUSBAND: I do have some. You signed your letter “Hero Husband,” but hasn’t it occurred to you that in your zeal to take care of and protect your wife, you may have infantilized her? Her feelings on this subject should be respected.

Many widows (may it be many, many years before she becomes one unless she dies first) find strength and resourcefulness they didn’t know they had after the death of their husbands. What happens to this house should be a family decision, not yours alone.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.