I was the youngest child and only daughter in our family, my two older brothers being eight and nine years older. I acted as the primary carer to my dad for just over a decade until he also died.

Fiona as a baby with both her parents. Source: Supplied

It felt like a big responsibility for a young woman to take on board. 

He had been depressed, as had I. But I never imagined he would do such a thing. 

Life ‘like a waiting game’

My happy upbringing became a life tinged with an ever-present fear of death and loss — like a waiting game for the next bad thing to hit. I still feel wary of what bad event may happen.

Fiona says her young adult life was not marked by the “happy, carefree times” enjoyed by her friends. Source: Supplied

I feared I would never recover from my partner’s suicide. Research has found that people are significantly more likely to attempt suicide if they lose a loved one to suicide rather than natural causes.

I feel like I lost an innocence decades ago that many of my friends have been able to retain. 

Worn thin by what life has thrown at me. 

Sharing stories of suffering

But for me there is strength in fragility. And we can carry strength and fragility at the same time. 

Fiona says humour, her dogs and music have helped her to cope in her “darkest hours”. Source: Supplied

I believe resilience is a double-edged sword — both positive and negative.

But it’s a term that’s bandied around with little regard for the hard-won achievements behind it.

I am very lucky too in other ways, for which I am grateful.