Two conservative influencers (‘conservfluencers’ to the Gen Z set) exploded into the national news like a couple of rabid racoons spilling out of a trashcan on Thursday.

Now, I’d never heard of Emily Wilson or Sarah Stockton. But if you’re one of those doom-scrolling hunchbacks who huff Instagram and TikTok’s noxious, soul-destroying fumes then you may number among their hundreds of thousands of followers.

Still, I had no idea who these red-hatted sirens were, or why they were scratching each other’s eyes out, until I read in the Daily Mail that they were in a full blown lady-war. And as a right-minded American mother and all-around bad bitch, it made me shudder for the future of womankind.

Apparently, it all started when Sarah ‘Sock Puppet’ Stockton posted a picture of her engagement, showing off her freshly ringed finger against the backdrop of a field of wildflowers with the caption: ‘I won.’

Umm congrats, girl. But if you think marriage is a competition and the spoils of your man-snatching are something to flaunt, then you’re going to lose.

That aside, the starter bauble snap set off a firestorm when Emily ‘Wet Blanket’ Wilson, an occasional Fox News guest (news to me), bitchily chimed in: ‘It’s gonna be hard to be a trad wife when your man can’t even afford a ring.’

Now, for the uninitiated few who are not hip to inane Gen Z vernacular, a ‘trad wife’ is typically a performative stay-at-home-mom who shares glossy, highly curated content, humble-bragging about making their own cereal and sourdough in soft lighting and chaos-free homes.

I had no idea who Emily Wilson (pictured) or Sarah Stockton were, or why they were scratching each other’s eyes out, until I read in the Daily Mail that they were in a full blown lady-war.

It all started when Sarah ‘Sock Puppet’ Stockton posted a picture of her engagement, showing off her freshly ringed finger

Their children are always docile and adorable. Their garb is prairie inspired, and they in no way reflect the messy, all-consuming, lives of actual humans.

Throngs rushed to Stockton’s defense calling Wilson a ‘liberal feminist’ and ‘jealous.’ The cat spat took another turn when conservfluencer Morgan Ariel accused Wilson of giving away the milk.

‘You give it up for free hoe. Might want to sit this one out,’ Ariel wrote. To which Wilson responded with unsubstantiated claims about Ariel’s very personal life, writing: ‘Yet somehow someway you think you’re better than me or anyone on this app?’

Then Ian Smith, another MAGA influencer (do these people grow on trees?), took his shot. ‘Unwed, childless, Fox News girl boss who complains when women make sourdough now hates on ring size of a happily engaged young woman. Congrats bozo, you’re a feminist.’

Boy, this is ugly. Calling a female Trumper a ‘feminist’ is a deeply cruel slight. But these gals have history.

Wilson and Stockton first butted pretty blonde heads in May when Wilson called out ‘young girls on the right promoting trad wife bulls***.’

‘[The chances of a trad wife] lifestyle… a man, a provider, you just get to sit a home bake bread everyday [are] slim to none,’ she said, in a video shot from her car. ‘You’re actually setting yourself up for failure [to be] trapped by a man,’ Wilson scolded.

The cat spat took another turn when conservfluencer Morgan Ariel (pictured) accused Wilson of giving away the milk. ‘You give it up for free hoe. Might want to sit this one out,’ Ariel wrote

Wilson and Stockton (pictured) first butted pretty blonde heads in May when Wilson called out ‘young girls on the right promoting trad wife bulls***.’

Well, now that I’ve heard both sides of the argument, I’m ready to rule.

Wilson is right. Even though she seems to be giving off more Mean Girl-energy than MAGA-mover and shaker (who am I to judge?), she makes a good point.

You don’t need to choose between baking sourdough and making your own dough – and to paint this naive online fantasy for the likes is grossly disingenuous. These trad wife-influencers are parading around their oh-so-simple lifestyles because they hope that it’ll make them money.

So, no. I don’t buy it.

Take it from a real lady boss, hold my kombucha. I’ve been married and divorced. I’m a mother who breastfed my girls until they were three, my apple pies are unparalleled and now my domestic partner/combat veteran applauds me in every room of the house.

I’ve also had a career that’s spanned alternative and talk radio, MTV, Fox News, the Daily Mail and soon Foot Fetishist Weekly (toes crossed!).

I do radio, TV, a five day a week podcast and stand-up. If you’re lucky enough to have a career that spans three decades, I’ll make you some bread from scratch.

Here’s one ingredient for happiness: authenticity.

And these trad gals are all out.

Home truths

Reality TV princess turned MAGA booster Savannah Chrisley went all out to persuade President Trump to pardon her parents when they were convicted of fraud in 2022.

But now that they’re out and she’s shacked up with Todd and Julie, she’s remembered how awful they are. Speaking on her podcast this week she admitted, ‘It’s a challenge… all of us being under one roof.’ 

Girl, didn’t you watch the show?

Bare faced cheek

Anthony Hopkins went full Silence of the Lambs on Kim Kardashian.

The Oscar-winner donned Kim’s new SKIMS face bra that promises to stop your jowls from sagging.

Hannibal Lecter would appreciate that. He’d eat your cheeks with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. 

Savannah Chrisley went all out to persuade President Trump to pardon her parents, Todd and Julie

Dressing down

Socialist ice queen Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is getting popped by the House Ethics Committee for the real cost of her ‘Tax the Rich’ dress and jewels, which she lowballed when she rented it for the Met Gala. 

The rules are she has to pay ‘fair market value,’ but she paid less than a grand which was $2,733.28 short. Now she’s been told to stump up the difference and donate $250 to the Costume Institute to cover her and her partner’s meal.

In other words, pay her fair share. 

Socialist ice queen Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is getting popped by the House Ethics Committee for the real cost of her ‘Tax the Rich’ dress and jewels

Dil-don’t

There has been a spate of green dildo tossing that has interrupted WNBA games lately. 

So, who are sex-toy slingers? Apparently, it’s a group of crypto creators trying to hype the launch of their meme coin, Green Dildo Coin. 

What a bunch of d****.

Suck it up

Travis Kelce is getting heat for a resurfaced interview from 2016 during which he was asked about dating deal breakers. 

Then single, the hunk admitted if a girl doesn’t put out by the third date she’s a goner, and she better be willing to engage in a particular type of oral affection. 

Oh, spare me the pearl clutching. I’m sure Taylor has her demands.

Travis Kelce is getting heat for an interview from 2016 when he was asked about dating deal breakers

Out of step

Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez hit the dance floor in Ibiza on Tuesday and while his buxom wife gyrated like an extra in Showgirls the billionaire stood there like a rusty tin man. 

Maybe he’s all out of moves after six weeks of honeymooning.

Geeze, money sure can’t buy you rhythm.

No judgement

In a teary interview, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Teddi Mellencamp lamented that her stage 4 melanoma is payback for an affair she had with her horseback riding coach. 

We feel for you Teddi, but that suggestion is an insult to anyone who’s faced their own diagnosis – like Kelly Clarkson’s ex-husband Brandon Blackstock, who died this week from the same disease. 

Cancer’s not karmic. It’s brutally indiscriminate.