DEAR ABBY: My husband is undergoing treatment for cancer, which results in fluctuating days of feeling well and unwell. Although his condition isn’t terminal, he struggles with many daily tasks. Our schedule is packed with medical appointments, having 14 treatments scheduled just this month.

His children, who live out of town, wish to visit often. While I understand their desire to spend time with their father, I need to manage these visits to prevent them from overwhelming me. How can I balance their visits without dissuading them, ensuring I don’t become exhausted by the added demands?

I’ve tried to impose some boundaries, and some of his children respect them. However, one adult child, aged 50, disregards my efforts. They tend to visit for extended periods, expecting meals, snacks, and drinks, while I also need to manage my husband’s and my own rest.

Despite suggesting shorter visits, our requests go unheeded. Recently, we proposed a four-day visit instead of a week, but it was ignored. Now, this child intends to stay for an entire month. I need advice. — CARETAKER IN UTAH

DEAR CARETAKER: It’s distressing that this adult child disregards both your and your husband’s wishes. You didn’t specify where they stay during visits, but it’s crucial they don’t stay at your home. They should arrange accommodations at a hotel or motel, and handle their own meal arrangements, alleviating some of the pressure on you.

Your husband can help with this to some degree. When he’s tired and needs to rest, he should be willing to tell his child it’s time to go. This child should also be willing to lend a hand wherever it’s needed, including shopping for groceries, doing laundry and taking Dad to medical appointments so you can rest. 

Drawing the line isn’t easy, but once it’s done, you will both be glad you did.

DEAR ABBY: My mother loves exchanging gifts and spends a lot of time and energy choosing and elaborately wrapping items for all the members of our family. She’s also retired and living on a limited, fixed income. She showers me and my kids with expensive things at holidays, but then almost immediately hits me up for cash because she’s broke. 

I’ve gotten into the habit of returning as many of her gifts as I can and banking the money for when she needs it back. She found me out and gets really angry when I do this. At the same time, she’s unwilling to scale back her spending. She sees these as completely separate issues. I can’t refuse her the money because she wouldn’t be able to pay for rent or groceries. 

How do I get her to understand that the most precious gift she could give would be to stay within her means, and I’d rather not have to pay her back for things she buys us? — NO MORE GIFTS

DEAR NO MORE: If telling your mother to stop giving you gifts has been unsuccessful, you are not going to change her. This is who she is. Accept that. My recommendation would be to continue dealing with this issue as you have, regardless of the inconvenience, and suggest to your mother that, if she is able, she should look for a part-time job so she will have more disposable income.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.