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DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who lives in another state, has struggled with self-confidence since childhood. Her first marriage collapsed when she discovered her husband was unfaithful. Now, her second husband, although providing the stability she craves, seems to be controlling. During my visits, his behavior is often rude and dismissive, but I’ve tried to overlook it as she chose him.
Over two decades, his controlling nature and rudeness have escalated to a level where I find it difficult to visit them. I miss my daughter dearly, yet she is aware of his behavior and chooses to remain silent. Our phone conversations only happen on speaker when he is around.
Here’s my dilemma: Should I leave her a substantial inheritance, knowing he will likely control it? I don’t want my decision to seem like a punishment for her marital choice, but at the same time, I don’t wish to inadvertently reward his disrespectful conduct. — CONFLICTED FATHER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FATHER: This is a matter best discussed with your financial advisor. It’s possible to avoid benefiting her husband by establishing a trust that provides your daughter with a steady monthly income. Upon her passing, the remaining estate could be directed to a charity or cause you care about.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship with “John” for two years. Even after breaking up, he remained in my home for six months due to having no other place to go. John has alienated everyone, including his family. He is an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic.
John’s brother, “Jerry,” and I have now fallen for each other. We grew up together and have been friends our entire lives. We have discussed that if it weren’t for this issue, we would marry. My problem is Jerry is sure his mother will disapprove. He says he would end our relationship if they found out about us and she is against it.
We are almost 50 years old. I believe we could be “just friends” to the outside world, including Jerry’s parents, and keep our private lives to ourselves for now. He is not concerned about what John would think. We have both experienced this type of connection only once before in our lives. How do we tell friends, family and, most importantly, his parents? — FOUND THE ONE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR FOUND: You and Jerry are nearly 50 years old. “We” shouldn’t make any announcements to anyone. JERRY needs to be adult enough to summon up the courage to tell his mother he has fallen in love with you and plans to make you his wife. If he can’t bring himself to do that, your relationship will eventually wither. Personally, I think it’s time for you to take a step back so you won’t be writing me about this problem a year or two or five from now. You deserve better treatment than this.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.