United in pursuit of gridlock
What I’ve learned about the United Nations: it’s the modern-day Tower of Babel, with more microphones.
Politicians call this a land of promise — particularly in the weeks leading up to Election Day.
Crapdammy claims he’s reducing crime, though his plan seems to involve removing police officers from the streets.
A CNN poll reportedly found that 35% of people are exhausted by coverage of Bruce Blakeman — and apparently Bruce Blakeman feels the same way.
Elon’s advice to drivers: “Be cautious. The manufacturer may not be the only thing capable of recalling your car.”
Politics is the art of collecting money from the wealthy and votes from the working class by claiming to defend each group against the other.
The politician’s guest of honor was an impressive person: intelligent, well-educated and charming. A loyal Democrat? That was the one qualification missing.
Communism was doomed from the start: Lenin followed Marx too closely — not Karl Marx, but Groucho.
Was Biden cheap? Certainly not. He simply preferred to paint the town beige instead of throwing a party.
Considering the state of the world, perhaps Amelia Earhart and Judge Crater understood more than we realized when they disappeared.
Election season will bring a massive family road trip to Washington: three million children in back seats, shouting, “Are we there yet?” between bouts of car sickness.
A young Democratic woman declared she would do anything for a mink coat. She got one — and eventually reached the point where it wouldn’t close.
Automakers are concerned that a new model may roll onto its back. Why panic? Madonna survived the same maneuver.
With the United Nations gathering in town and foreign cars everywhere, it may be two years before anyone gets hit above the knees.
The global economy works like this: Russia creates something, Japan improves or copies it, and by the weekend it’s being sold to Americans for less.
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The medical field is advancing rapidly. An Eastern charity recently raised $3 million — despite not having a disease to treat yet.
Prices have climbed so high that when an envoy ordered 50 cents’ worth of Swiss cheese, the shopkeeper wrapped up eight holes.
An ambassador is someone who helps another person receive exactly what’s coming to him.
Ambassador: “I kissed you once, so why do you think you can ignore your duties here?” Secretary: “Because I have a lawyer.”
A European restaurateur opened a new establishment with only two tables. His explanation: “I get anxious when no one is waiting outside.”
“The luckiest guy was Adam. Why? He had no mother-in-law.”
Ambassador, do you talk to your wife when you’re making love? Answer: “If she calls, yes.”
Short? When she wore a miniskirt the hem got dirty.
His town’s so small that the other day the tide went out — and never came back.
Our new little mayor? Caught reading the yellow pages to see if anything’s left to tax.
Such a bad cold that the ambassador’s nose ran more than a tourist in Mexico.
Woman to a diplomat: “So what did you do with all that money we gave you last year?”
Crooked? Please. He has to screw his hat on.
Only way to get around in city traffic when the UN is in session is to follow a demonstration.
Definition of a statesman? A pol who didn’t get caught.
So take a look at your taxes and then stop calling them cheap politicians.