When it comes to weddings, true poshness is not necessarily measured by how much money is spent.
Often, the most genuinely upper-class approach is defined by restraint, tradition and discretion — and, whisper it, by avoiding anything considered overly American.
Over the past decade, a number of American wedding customs have found their way into British ceremonies. These include marrying later in the day, rather than choosing the morning weddings traditionally favoured by the upper classes, and replacing the morning suit with a tuxedo.
Shock, horror!
For a closer look at the rules of a truly posh wedding, there is perhaps no better place to turn than the royal goldfish bowl.
From Pippa Middleton’s reported decision to keep couples apart at her wedding — a move said to have annoyed Meghan Markle — to Princess Anne’s wonderfully understated second marriage, featuring a simple dress and black shoes, the royals provide a fascinating guide to what is genuinely posh and what is decidedly tosh.
Now, our etiquette expert examines the principles of a truly royal wedding, revealing who deserves a thumbs-up and who would receive a very un-posh red card.
1. DON’T MAKE A FUSS
Princess Anne’s understated second wedding was a masterclass in marrying for the second time
The newlyweds departed with Anne’s new husband at the wheel and the children sitting in the back
When it comes to being truly posh, keeping things simple can make a far greater impression than putting on a lavish display.
Princess Anne understood that perfectly when she married Tim Laurence for the second time in 1992.
Just 30 guests attended the ceremony at Crathie Kirk, while Anne chose a simple cream cocktail dress and black shoes.
Her choices conveyed the ultimate upper-class confidence: she had no need to advertise her status with an enormous spectacle.
Julius F Smith, a former royal butler to the late Queen Elizabeth II and founder of Regal Afternoon Tea, says Anne’s second wedding perfectly embodied high-class restraint.
“I always think that a second marriage should be low-key. You’re not making a fuss, and I think upper-class people would raise an eyebrow if you wanted to make a second wedding as big as your first wedding.”
“Also, only 30 guests came, and those are the special people that she really wanted to spend the day with.”
Posh points: 5/5
2. TRADITION IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
Princess Beatrice chose family history over novelty, proving that true luxury can come from inheritance rather than shopping
The Princess demonstrated upper-class thrift can be quite romantic and unflashy
Nothing says old money quite like wearing your grandmother’s wedding dress.
Princess Beatrice did exactly that when she married Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi at Windsor in 2020, wearing the Queen’s Norman Hartnell dress, lent to her by her grandmother.
Rather than opting for something new and Instagrammable, Beatrice chose family history and showed that true luxury can be about what you inherit, not what you buy.
‘I think it’s a lovely thing to pass something down through the generations, says Julius F Smith. It demonstrates upper-class thrift and it’s also quite romantic and unflashy.
Posh points: 5/5
3. KNOW WHEN TO KEEP THE PARTY GOING- AND WHEN TO STOP
Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank seemed to be doing everything right on the day as they got married at St George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle
After the big traditional wedding, people just want to relax so a fairground theme on day two was a little too flash
There is a school of thought that truly posh British etiquette is to have the magnificent wedding and then let everyone go home.
But Princess Eugenie went for the fairground.
The younger sister of Princess Beatrice showed more American leanings when her wedding celebrations continued into a second day, complete with a carnival and fairground theme.
Vanity Fair reported carnival games and lavish entertainment, but our etiquette expert thought it was a step too far.
‘This was flash and attention-grabbing, which does mark a departure from understated upper-class values,’ says Julius F Smith.
‘I think you do the traditional thing and then the next day after the wedding, people just want to relax. A whole fairground theme is quite crass, really.’
Posh points: 1/5
4. SEPARATE THE COUPLES
Prince William and Harry turned up to the wedding of Pippa Middleton together as Catherine was in the brial party and Meghan Markle was joining Harry later for the reception
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Unfortunately for Meghan, she was unaccustomed to the posh wedding etiquette of couples not sitting together and was a little out of her comfort zone
Meghan Markle met the Middleton’s for the first time when she arrived as Prince Harry’s plus-one at Pippa Middleton’s classic country wedding in 2017.
And it wasn’t just the cold British weather that may have put the Duchess out of her comfort zone.
Pippa followed the old aristocratic tradition of seating couples apart at dinner unlike the American custom of placing husbands and wives together.
According to Julius F Smith, however, separating couples is not only the proper way to do it, but encourages guests to mingle.
‘Splitting couples up is definitely the right thing to do because then you get to meet other people,’ he says.
‘The trouble is, if you get a couple who are a bit insular, they just end up talking to each other all day and that’s no good.
‘So, you can have a good chat and meet new people, then with your partner you can discuss how it all went.’
And the former royal butler says Pippa had the wedding so many people aspire to.
‘Pippa had a lot to live up to because she almost stole the limelight from her sister Kate on her wedding day.
‘But her wedding was what people in England think of as the fairytale wedding. She married a very wealthy man, beautiful church, everything is beautiful, all the guests beautifully dressed and no doubt a stunning reception with excellent food.
‘I think that’s what everybody would love to do if they could.’
Posh points: 5/5
5. DON’T CONFUSE CELEBRITY WITH STATUS
Meghan markle wore a very grand Givenchy white gown for her second wedding which caught some people by surprise
Many of the A-listers, including George and Amal Clooney, in attendance didn’t know why they were there
Meghan Markle’s 2018 wedding to Prince Harry was the ultimate collision between royal tradition and Hollywood celebrity culture.
There was the grand Givenchy gown, the lavish setting and a guest list packed with A-listers, including George and Amal Clooney and Oprah Winfrey.
But, according to Julius F Smith, celebrity alone does not necessarily equal status.
‘Visually, Meghan and Harry’s wedding looked stunning, but it did unravel because I don’t think it stood the test of time,’ he says.
‘Mainly because a lot of the A-listers in attendance didn’t know why they were there, which is almost desperate.’
He adds: ‘I think perhaps Meghan thought she could ingratiate herself with the great and good of Hollywood, but she forgot that many of them know the side their bread is buttered on and didn’t want to fall out of favour with the Crown. It’s all very sad.’
Posh points: 3/5
6. NEVER, EVER LOOK AS THOUGH YOU’RE MONETISING THE WEDDING
Prince William was said to be less than impressed when his cousin Peter Phillips made a deal with Hello! magazine for his wedding to Autumn Kelly
‘If you invite Hello! in, nobody is going to relax because their every move will be scrutinised
There is nothing inherently un-posh about having an expensive wedding.
But there is something decidedly indiscreet about turning the family photo album into a commercial transaction.
Prince William was said to be less than impressed when his cousin Peter Phillips made a deal with Hello! magazine for his wedding to Autumn Kelly at St George’s Chapel in 2008.
And royal expert Julius F Smith believes members of the extended Royal Family have a responsibility to behave discreetly.
‘Is this a commercial event or your wedding day?’ he says.
‘If you invite Hello! in, nobody is going to relax because their every move will be scrutinised. I think it’s in terrible taste.
“The minor royals get a lot of advantages and get invited to a lot of places that they wouldn’t normally, but with that comes responsibility.’
Posh points: 1/5
So perhaps the ultimate exemplar is Princess Anne.
Her second wedding was tiny by royal standards but perfectly summed up upper-class thrift and style. Her outfit was unfussy; the guest list was intimate and there was no attempt to turn the occasion into an attention-seeking spectacle.
In the strange social science of British high society, it is precisely this refusal to show off that makes Anne the poshest of them all.
ENDS