Woman Reveals She’s Been Faking Orgasms With Her Partner for Four Years in Ask Jana Advice Column

Dear Jana,

I’ve pretended to orgasm for four years, and now my fiancé seems convinced he could teach a masterclass.

It began the first time we had sex. I was anxious, he was making a huge effort, and I responded with a few enthusiastic sounds that quickly turned into a full performance. When he looked so proud afterward, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him otherwise.

I told myself I’d be honest once we felt more comfortable together. Six months before our wedding, I still haven’t said a thing, so clearly that strategy hasn’t worked.

I do enjoy sex with him. The problem is that I generally need a vibrator to reach orgasm, which I’ve been using discreetly after he’s fallen asleep. He thinks I’ve never needed one and that he alone is responsible for making me climax. 

Last weekend, we were out drinking with another couple when he began advising his friend on how to bring a woman to orgasm. Then he turned to me and said, ‘She’ll confirm it. It works every time.’ And I nodded. I actually backed him up.

How can I tell the man I love that his supposed foolproof technique has usually been my signal to start performing? I want us to have a more satisfying sex life, but I’m scared he’ll question what else I may have been dishonest about during our relationship.

A Lifetime of Acting. 

Dear A Lifetime of Acting,

I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to bring his bedroom TED Talk to an end.

Ideally, you should do it before he sends another man away with advice that fails to deliver.

The conversation may be painful, but consider the misinformation he could be spreading in other people’s bedrooms. That may sound dramatic, but the point stands.

I understand why you offered encouragement. Many people do, particularly when their partner is trying hard and clearly hoping for reassurance. But four years of enthusiastic feedback has ultimately left both of you stuck in an unhealthy pattern. 

You have to tell him, and you shouldn’t disguise the truth so thoroughly that he fails to understand it. The kindest approach now is to be direct and get the difficult part over with.

You could say: ‘I love being intimate with you, but I need to tell you that I’ve been faking my orgasms. It started because I felt nervous, and then I became too embarrassed to admit it. I’m sorry. I usually orgasm with a vibrator, and I’d like us to try using it together.’

He may well feel hurt or embarrassed. Give him room to process that. Learning that your fiancée has been pretending for four years would be a serious blow to anyone’s confidence, especially someone who has been confidently giving friends bedroom advice.

What you cannot do is retreat when he reacts and insist that you actually, did orgasm most of the time. That would only preserve the lie and risk carrying it into a marriage where neither of you is getting the sex life you want. 

If he asks whether you’ve deceived him about anything else, answer him honestly. Tell him that embarrassment caused you to postpone the conversation, and that every additional sexual encounter made it more difficult to begin. Take responsibility, but don’t turn the next six months into an endless apology every time you get undressed. 

Then invite him into the part you’ve been enjoying solo. Show him how you use your vibrator – make it raunchy. If you’d like him to kiss you while you use it, say so. Give him something enticing to join in with, rather than leaving him to dwell on his supposed demotion. 

I’d also take the pressure off the next few shags. Otherwise, he’ll be watching your face like a detective and you’ll feel obliged to deliver another convincing performance. Tell him you want to enjoy figuring this out together, without an orgasm becoming proof that everything’s fixed.

You clearly fancy him. You enjoy sleeping with him. There is plenty here to work with once he has the correct information.

But retire the fake orgasm now. You’re already organising a wedding; you don’t need to keep producing a show.

Dear Jana,

When my husband confessed he had a foot fetish, I thought, ‘Lovely, someone will finally appreciate what I spend on pedicures.’

He was so embarrassed telling me that I wanted to make him feel comfortable. I let him pick my nail colour, wore the heels he liked and enjoyed seeing how excited he got. I’d never had a man look quite so delighted by my trip to the nail salon.

But six months later, I’m starting to miss being kissed on the mouth.

We’ll be having a perfectly good make-out session but then he’ll work his way down to my feet, where he seems quite happy to spend the rest of the evening. If I try to pull him back up, he’ll say, ‘Just a minute’.

The other night I bought new lingerie and he barely noticed until I took my socks off. I laughed at the time, then felt a bit pathetic for being jealous of my own feet.

I don’t want to shame him for something he trusted me with. I’d just like him to show the rest of me some enthusiasm.

How do I tell him I miss the sex we had before everything started revolving around my pedicure?

Feeling Overlooked Above the Ankle.

Dear Feeling Overlooked Above the Ankle,

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Let me shout this so the people up the back can hear as well: WOMEN’S PLEASURE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT!

I mean, yay that he’s told you his kink, love that for him (honestly, I do), but there’s participation and then there’s a one-man show. He should be chuffed that you’re so fabulously open-minded, but it goes both ways.

He gets a bit of toe time, you get a proper snog. Fair’s fair.

You can enjoy how much your toes turn him on and still want some attention elsewhere. Being supportive doesn’t mean spending every naked encounter staring at the ceiling while your husband has a lovely evening at the other end of the bed.

Tell him: ‘I love that you shared this with me, and I’ve enjoyed exploring it with you. But I miss kissing you and having the sex we used to have. Lately, once you get to my feet, I feel like the rest of me gets forgotten. I want us to make room for what turns me on too.’

You’re hardly going to crush the man by asking him to kiss his wife. And if he’s a little embarrassed, you don’t need to rush in and withdraw the request. You’ve spent six months showing him that you’re interested in his pleasure. He can hear what would make yours better too.

Be specific about what you miss. If you want a long make-out session without him heading south, say so. If you loved something he used to do with his hands, remind him. ‘Show the rest of me some enthusiasm’ is understandable, but ‘I love it when you kiss me like that’ gives him somewhere to start.

Then, when you’re in bed and he says ‘just a minute,’ you’re allowed to say, ‘Come up here. I want your mouth.’

You don’t have to deliver a beautifully diplomatic speech while he’s licking your big toe.

His foot fascination can stay. But surely a man capable of getting that excited over a fresh coat of nail polish can summon some enthusiasm for the woman who chose it?

Dear Jana,

My husband is paying an OnlyFans woman to say his name, and unfortunately it’s the same name I’ve been shouting when I need help unloading the dishwasher.

I’ve always known he watches porn. It never particularly bothered me, although I assumed he was enjoying whatever was available for free like a sensible man with a mortgage.

Then I borrowed his iPad and found messages to one particular woman on OnlyFans. He’s been paying for personalised videos, which was upsetting enough, but I kept scrolling and discovered he’s also been telling her about our marriage.

Apparently I ‘don’t make him feel wanted anymore’. Lovely thing to read while wearing the pyjamas his mother bought me.

She calls him baby and asks how his day was. He says that’s part of the service and I’m being ridiculous because he’s never met her. But he remembered to message her good luck before some photo shoot and forgot I was having a biopsy that same week.

The embarrassing bit is that I’ve now spent hours looking at her page, wondering whether I should buy the same underwear.

Is this cheating? 

And how do I get him to understand why ‘I’m paying her, she doesn’t actually fancy me’ has done absolutely nothing to make me feel better?

Unsubscribed Wife.

Dear Unsubscribed Wife,

‘I’m paying her, she doesn’t actually fancy me’ is a pretty grim defence. Maybe get him to repeat it to himself, just so he can hear how sad that sounds.

Of course you’re upset. He’s buying himself a girlfriend experience while expecting his actual wife to be a good sport about it.

This new world of porn and tech has gone mad.

Personally, I’d call this cheating – and from the tone of your letter, I know you agree. But you don’t need him to accept that definition before you tell him he has crossed your line. Otherwise, you’ll waste hours debating semantics and get nowhere.

I’d ask him: ‘What did you think I agreed to when I said porn didn’t bother me?’

Then let him answer. Watching a video and building an ongoing, intimate exchange are very different things. I suspect he knows that, especially if he wasn’t exactly volunteering this information over dinner.

Tell him plainly: ‘I’m comfortable with porn, but that’s where it stops. If you’re unhappy in our marriage, talk to me. I’m willing to have that conversation, but I won’t compete with her.’

And please don’t buy the underwear. You’ll only end up wondering whether he’s thinking about her, turning your own bedroom into an audition you never wanted.

When they go lower, we do not go lower.

There’s another trap here: suddenly becoming sexually available at all hours just to prove you can make him feel wanted. Before launching a campaign to win him back, ask yourself if you even want sex with a man who’s dismissing you. Your desire gets a vote too.

You can ask how long this has been going on and how much he’s spent – those are fair questions, especially if it’s shared money. But you don’t need to watch every video to justify how hurt you feel.

What happens next depends on whether he can drop the excuses and take you seriously. If he ends the contact and wants to work on what’s gone wrong, then you’ve got something to discuss. If he insists you’re being ridiculous and expects to carry on, he’s giving you a clear answer about what he expects you to tolerate.

While she might charge for her attention, you’re allowed to stop giving yours quite so generously.