I’m not trying to brag (toot toot), but my Instagram inbox contains private messages capable of destroying at least a dozen marriages.
Two of the men involved are particularly well-known.
You would think men might hesitate before contacting a sex and dating columnist famous for sharing the highs, lows and occasional disasters of modern romance, as well as plenty from her own personal life. Yet these men clearly thought, ‘Why not take my chances?’
A quick look at their profiles reveals within seconds that they are married.
Why is it so often the men posting glowing, picture-perfect couple shots who turn out to be the biggest dirtbags?
In the past, when a man became especially arrogant or disgusting—which, frankly, happened often—I would screenshot his messages and share them on my Instagram stories. Consider it a little public accountability.
Before anyone accuses me of exposing them unfairly, let me say this: their behavior almost always catches up with them eventually. Recent scandals involving successful men wrecking their marriages after acting on an impulse—and apparently believing they were smart enough to escape the consequences—have reminded me just how spectacularly foolish some people can be.
Sometimes, the wives are not the only ones making questionable decisions. On one occasion, I even tagged the man’s wife. And, unbelievably, she turned her anger on me.
I’m not trying to brag (toot toot), but my Instagram inbox contains private messages capable of destroying at least a dozen marriages
According to her, my tops were too revealing, my skirts were too short, I wrote about sex and my – insert rude word rhyming with mutt – articles somehow encouraged men to behave badly.
She had yet to accept one inconvenient fact: her husband was simply a pig.
She told me to ‘find God’, and I suspect the pair are still trapped in an unhappy marriage.
Then there was the extraordinary Australian politician who entered my Facebook messages several years ago with an offer to become my sugar daddy.
I was working on breakfast radio when a message arrived from an older man, probably in his 50s or 60s, sporting the alarming copper-brown hair often associated with a midlife crisis.
As a blonde woman with a large chest, I am hardly unfamiliar with messages from strangers. Some people collect basketball cards; my friends and I seem to collect unsolicited d**k pics. It’s unpleasant, but sadly predictable.
So a random man contacting me was not unusual. What he wrote, however, was:
‘Hey Hun, I want to spoil you, got your details off Bumble. Don’t stress I don’t bite. You ever had a sugar daddy??’
I was instantly repulsed. Had he really imagined this approach would succeed?
There was one major problem with his story: we had never matched on Bumble. He had ignored the app altogether and tracked me down on Facebook.
I replied: ‘*Beep right off, you *beeping creep! Why would I need someone to pay my way. You sad creep!’
A useful lesson: never message someone who works breakfast-radio hours, particularly late in the week.
He answered: ‘Don’t be like that.’
I wrote back: ‘How sad that you need to pay someone to give you attention.’
As a blonde woman with a large chest, I am hardly unfamiliar with messages from strangers
He then tried to retreat, saying: ‘Please calm down, you have taken this all the wrong way. Sorry for upsetting you.’
Curiosity got the better of me, so I searched his name online. I was stunned to discover that he was a reasonably prominent married Australian politician with a position of influence.
I returned to our conversation and told him that, if he worked where I believed he did, asking women he had located through dating apps to become his sugar daddy was probably a terrible idea. I warned him that any further messages to me—or to another woman—would be reported to the police and his wife.
Predictably, he blocked me almost at once.
That brought our bizarre exchange to an end.
How many men have recklessly risked their marriages, finances, families and reputations for a few minutes of sexual excitement? All because they could not resist receiving attention from someone other than their partner.
Technology has made infidelity easier, with dating apps, private messages, disappearing chats and social media creating countless ways to maintain a secret second life. But it has also made cheating easier to uncover.
Start with the obvious: practically everyone carries a camera in their iPhone.
My friend James Sexton, a divorce lawyer who has seen just about everything, likes to joke that Apple helped pay for his holiday home.
iCloud, it seems, has a great deal to answer for.
Many men forget that their iPads and Apple Watches are linked to their iPhones, making suspicious conversations far harder to hide.
James once told me about a man whose son borrowed his iPad, saw him sending d**k pics to his mistress and innocently took the device to his mother, asking why Dad was sending pictures of his penis.
Boom. Divorce.
And that was only the start.
Suspicious conversations are becoming increasingly difficult to conceal
A quick look at their profiles often reveals within seconds that they are married
Another friend once had a boyfriend moving into her home. While he went back to his old house to collect another box, she glanced at his iPad.
That was a disastrous decision for him. Within seconds, she was watching a real-time text exchange in which he arranged to meet an escort before returning to their new home.
Apparently, he planned to fit in a quick boink between trips with the moving boxes.
By the time he came back, my friend had packed every one of his belongings again.
I hope those 20 minutes of fun were worth it.
Location tracking, Uber receipts—yes, some men have been foolish enough to order food to a mistress’s home—questionable dating profiles and women comparing information in Facebook groups mean a cheating husband can now be exposed by almost anyone with a reliable internet connection.
Consider Sis, Is This Your Man? It is a real Facebook group where women post photos of men they are dating to find out whether other women are seeing the same person or have useful information about him. In effect, it is a crowdsourced dating investigation service: one woman’s warning sign can become another woman’s vital piece of information.
Then there are the increasingly common ‘honey trap’ tests women arrange.
For anyone unfamiliar with the term, it involves asking a friend—or sometimes a stranger—to contact a woman’s partner, flirt with him and see whether he responds.
The test might begin with a playful message, a compliment or an invitation for a drink. Sometimes, a simple flame emoji is enough. The woman then waits to see whether her partner ends the conversation or eagerly joins in, turning the exchange into a loyalty test.
My friends also use reverse-image searches on suspicious dating profiles to learn more about men they are chatting with.
Despite all these digital traps, men with extraordinary wealth, power and influence continue to expose themselves with remarkable ease.
These are people who have built companies, negotiated multimillion-dollar deals and outmaneuvered some of the smartest people in the room. They possess the confidence, ambition and determination that carried them to impressive heights.
Yet the moment they are caught with their pants down, that apparent brilliance seems to disappear.
Despite the many digital traps, men with extraordinary wealth, power and influence continue to expose themselves with remarkable ease
Technology has made cheating easier through dating apps, private messages, disappearing chats and social media—but it has also made infidelity easier to uncover
I suspect the explanation lies in the very qualities that helped make them successful.
Ego is near the top of the list.
After years of being praised as brilliant, powerful and exceptional, some famous and successful men begin to believe the rules do not apply to them. They start to assume that money and influence entitle them to sexual attention whenever they want it.
It is as though they are beating their chests and declaring, ‘Me, Alpha.’ Cringe.
Then comes the attraction of novelty.
They enjoy the chase, whether it involves a business deal or another woman. That may explain the men who contact me: She writes about sex for a living. This could be exciting.
They charge ahead like a randy bull at a gate—or, in my case, into my DMs.
I have learned that many men are not necessarily looking to leave their wives or give up their comfortable lives. They want the ego boost of being desired by someone new, along with the secrecy, risk and intoxicating sense that they might get away with something naughty.
Most importantly, success can create a dangerous belief that someone is untouchable.
When you are used to getting what you want, it is easy to convince yourself that you are clever enough to escape any consequences. You have assistants, lawyers, publicists and employees who fix problems. Why not assume they can handle one more?
But an affair is not a business transaction. You cannot simply pay it away, negotiate a solution or rely on a public-relations team to erase it.
Suddenly, the man who believed he could not be touched is watching his carefully built empire collapse because he could not keep it in his pants.
Take my advice, gentlemen: keep it in your pants.