Andrea's Husband's Death Left Their Blended Family 'Instantly Shattered'

Share and Follow

One in ten Australian families with children is a step or blended family. Insight explores the complexities that arise when these families separate, and asks who is considered family when the blending ends. Watch Insight episode Un-Blended Families on SBS On Demand.

When Andrea Gaynor entered her second marriage with “the love of [her] life” Alan, both brought children from previous relationships; she had two and he had three.

“We combined families very successfully, in my view. They were of similar ages, so they all got along very well …” Andrea told Insight.

“We [were] a very, very happy blended family.”

However, what Andrea feels was a harmonious family of seven split shortly after Alan was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

“Pretty much instantaneously decimated our stepfamily … It was a really, really difficult time.”

Alan had brain surgery straight away and Andrea cared for him for over a year.

Alan died 15 months after his diagnosis — marking the end of their time as a family of seven.

a woman in her 20s with dark hair, septum and lip piercings smiles with a middle aged woman with grey hair and wide rimmed glasses in front of a plant

Brittany and Andrea today. Source: Supplied

Andrea says she still thinks of her time with Alan and their family as the best time of her life.

Despite initial hopes for maintaining a connection, the family lost touch over the years in what Andrea acknowledged was a difficult time.

“I think I visualised us continuing a relationship of some sort … Coming around once a month for dinner or doing something together,” she said.

“But, unfortunately, no, we didn’t.”

Step and blended families in Australia

Although used somewhat interchangeably, the Australian Bureau of Statistics defines step and blended families differently.

A stepfamily is defined as a couple family who do not have biological or adopted children together but do have at least one stepchild of either partner. A blended family is a couple family that has at least one biological or adopted child together and at least one stepchild.

Just over one in 10 (12 per cent) of Australian families with children is either a stepfamily or blended family, according to the 2021 Census.

More specifically, stepfamilies and blended families represented 8 per cent and 4 per cent respectively of couple families with dependent children — according to a 2023 Australian Institute of Families report.

‘Boom, she was gone’

Like Andrea, Emma-Jane Molan knows that maintaining contact with stepfamily after a separation can be difficult.

Emma didn’t live with her dad and stepmother Margaret full-time growing up, but she visited them every second weekend and some school holidays.

While Emma got on well with her older stepbrother Graham, she says the fact that he lived with her dad full-time, bred “a little bit of jealousy” within her — an emotion she couldn’t identify at the time.

“You just have this feeling of maybe it’s a resentment toward your stepbrother, but you still really like your stepbrother.”

a blonde middle aged woman in a black suit and wearing red lipstick smiles in front of a stone background

Emma has great fondness for her stepmum and stepbrother with whom she lost contact with almost 40 years ago. Source: SBS

After nearly a decade together, Emma’s dad and stepmother, whom she adored and looked up to, separated in the late 1980s.

“She was there, and then boom, she was gone. And so, my stepbrother was gone.”

Emma says that she saw Margaret and Graham a couple of times after the separation but without the technology of today, maintaining contact was difficult.

She fears that taking her husband’s last name has impacted her chances of reconnecting with them.

“I’m no longer a Ryan … So, even if they heard about me looking, maybe they wouldn’t realise it’s me,” Emma said.

“I’ve searched for them for nearly 40 years. I can’t find them.”

‘It’s a connection I want to keep’

Contrastingly, David has maintained contact with his ex-girlfriend Koraly’s daughter Rosie after their family unblended.

Koraly and David were together for five years — and the three of them lived together for two years — before realising they were much better as friends.

When the couple broke up a few years ago, David didn’t see Koraly for a few months but continued spending time with Rosie.

Eventually, they decided to continue their family dynamic, with David and Rosie continuing their friendship.

a middle aged woman, young woman and middle aged man smile into a camera taking a selfie in front of a lake

Koraly, Rosie and David on holiday. Source: Supplied

“I don’t see them ever not having a close relationship,” Koraly told Insight.

“[David and me] might not be as close as we are if we had other partners … But I think he would be in my life.”

David says even though his relationship with Koraly is over, he still wants to play an important role in Rosie’s life.

“It’s a connection that I want to keep for the rest of my life.”

Maintaining contact with stepkids post-separation

The separation of parents in step and blended families often complicates the relationships with their respective stepchildren.

Family lawyer Nicole Smith says that applying for parental responsibility via the Family Court, and seeking orders to spend time with the child, is another way a former stepparent can continue their relationship with a former stepchild.

“They would need to include the [parents] in that application … And otherwise, you can have an informal type of arrangement.”

The absence of an up-to-date will can also see difficulties arise in stepfamilies should one of the parents die.

“There also can be difficulties in relation to if a child doesn’t have a guardian named in the will. So, ideally, a parent would nominate a guardian,” Smith said.

“If they nominate the stepparent as the guardian, the stepparent will jointly be guardian with the remaining surviving parent — unless the surviving parent [of the child] objects.”

While not leaving inheritance to stepchildren is a conscious decision made by some stepparents, Smith highlights that an incomplete will also impacts inheritance.

“If there isn’t a will, it could mean that a child that is treated like yours — as a stepchild — would not actually receive part of the inheritance,” Smith said.

‘Why wouldn’t I keep looking?’

“We have our wills set out. If one of us were to pass, our children will receive our parts of the will,” Emma said.

“We didn’t divide to each other. We both saw to take care of our own … We’ve both been through a lot … So that was really easy.”

a side by side image of the same young girl at different ages. Left: holding a lunchbox in a backyard and right: sitting and smiling in a field

Emma as a child. Source: Supplied

Like many others, she remains curious about the stepfamily she once was close to.

“I would love to have some questions answered and just to see what happened to them.

“Is [my stepmother] okay? What did my stepbrother end up doing for a living?”

When asked if she would ever give up hope in finding them, Emma said the curiosity she’s had for almost 40 years isn’t going to go away.

“I have such beautiful memories of them, so why wouldn’t I keep looking? You know, maybe someone knows they’re out there.”‘

The longing to reconnect isn’t as clear for others from un-blended families.

Fifteen years on from her stepdad Alan’s death, Andrea’s 28-year-old daughter Brittany Martin has very positive memories with her stepsiblings but is unsure whether she would like to reconnect.

“There’s a part of me that would. But at the same time, I don’t want to,” she said.

“Because I know that things will never be like how they were.”