Gregg Wallace, who liked to appear stark naked except for a sock covering his pride and joy, has been whingeing about being sacked from MasterChef. I had a chat with a 1970s dinosaur to ask what he made of it all. “Well, the poor bloke’s been shafted, and no mistake,” said the dinosaur. “Am I still allowed to use words like ‘shafted’ or are the snowflakes going to object to that too? Back when men were men and dinosaurs were dinosaurs, the fairer sex liked a bit of banter. A slap on the botty and Bob’s your uncle! The lovely ladies loved it so much sometimes they’d slap me right back. 

“Those were the days,” the dinosaur continued. “My better half stayed at home to raise the baby dinos and I went into the world to earn an honest keep. Of course she was allowed to have a point of view, bless her, and she made all the trivial decisions like where we lived and where the dinos went to school and I made all the important ones like how we voted and what the world leaders would do next. Ha ha!

“Heard that one before? It was big in the 1970s but don’t bother your pretty little head about it if you didn’t understand. 

“Women didn’t really want to work and have their independence back then,” the dinosaur confided. “As long as we dinosaurs were out working and bringing home the bacon, they were happy, bless them. And she always worked to keep herself in good nick for me too. 

“Many was the time when I’d had a few with my fellow dinosaurs and got back late I’d get home to find her fast asleep and a note for me to sleep in the spare room. She knew she needed her beauty kip to look her best for me and was telling me not to disturb it, bless. She was very good about that. Sometimes I’d be explaining politics to her and she’d just fall asleep right in the middle of the conversation! What a girl.” 

“And a man needs his own interests,” the dinosaur went on. “A pint and a fag with your mates, footie at the weekends and none of your nonsense about women playing a man’s sport back then. There weren’t that many women in the workplace either. 

“It’s asking for trouble, innit, letting men and women mix like that. There’s bound to be misunderstandings, bound to be some people who forget that there are some things you don’t say when ladies are present and some stuff that is just for the locker room. 

“So what if Greg Wallace walked around with his chopper – whoops! There I go again! – covered in an almond rock? He was just havin’ a laugh! That is the trouble with most women these days, no sense of humour. Bless.”