Reportedly ready to walk away from ITV due to planned cutbacks next year, Lorraine Kelly’s upcoming professional engagement raises eyebrows. As Princess Diana’s preposterous ex-butler Paul Burrell controversially prepares to cash in with another book at the royals’ expense – more than 20 years after enraging Prince William with his first effort – daytime telly queen Lorraine has been signed up to host his accompanying London stage show at Cadogan Hall next month. Promoting the night, Burrell grandly claims: “This isn’t gossip. It’s the truth as I lived it.”

Still time to change your mind, Lorraine!

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Maintaining an annual tradition, celebrity farmer Jeremy Clarkson triumphantly announces: “If your A-level results are disappointing, don’t worry. I got a C and two Us. Here I am today, installing lights for a helicopter landing pad in my garden.”

Jeremy’s obsession with having the last laugh is deep-rooted: looking back on harrowing boarding school days, he once recalled being left a “gibbering wreck” by bullies who regularly “beat him in the night”.

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Over two years into Richard Coles’s relationship with thespian Dickie Cant, I hear other men in the showbiz vicar’s life are the cause of tension. While Coles passionately follows the fortunes of his beloved Arsenal, kicking off their new Premier League campaign this Sunday, football-averse Dickie refuses to be converted to the joys of Match of the Day.

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Now publicly downplaying her “co-writing” role on Fawlty Towers – clarifying ex-husband John Cleese came up with the dialogue – Connie Booth still turns prickly when feeling overlooked.

After Cleese surprisingly confirmed plans to reboot Fawlty Towers for television without her two years ago, Connie (who instead collaborated on the original’s plots), huffed to the press: “I’d have appreciated learning about the project from John rather than reading about it in the papers.”

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Normally considered to possess expert taste buds, Bake Off judge Dame Prue Leith recently enthused about the “best chips she’d ever tasted”, eagerly asking her host: “How do you get that perfect fry? Is it triple-cooked? Do you season with curry powder?” The bemused chef awkwardly replied: “No idea…we get ’em frozen.”

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Starring alongside delightfully bonkers thespian Jeremy Irons in the new TV adaptation of The Count of Monte Cristo, I hear fellow British actor Sam Claflin dines out on tales of the great man’s eccentricities. A notably bizarre moment occurred when Jeremy spotted Claflin’s dummy-double – used when his character was thrown off a cliff – and happily chatted away to the motionless figure for several minutes, assuming it was Sam.

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Noting her 25th wedding anniversary with Michael Douglas is fast approaching, Catherine Zeta-Jones, pictured, cheerfully declares: “And they said it wouldn’t last!”

It was almost over before it started: Catherine walked out of their first date after the old peacock, 25 years the Welsh beauty’s senior, dared to cheekily predict he’d be the father of her children. One son and daughter later, Mr Douglas happened to have a point…