In the ever-evolving landscape of dating, where quirky trends such as “Shrekking” and “monkey barring” seem to dominate, finding genuinely useful advice can feel like a breath of fresh air. One such piece of advice gaining traction is the so-called “bird theory” or “bird test,” which has been making waves on TikTok.

Dating expert and matchmaker Devyn Simone shared insights with Nexstar, describing the bird test as “a straightforward approach to gauging your partner’s interest in you.” The concept involves simply mentioning a bird you saw that day or inviting your partner to observe some birds with you. According to videos circulating on TikTok, a positive response from your partner is seen as a good sign of engagement and interest, whereas a dismissive or negative reaction is viewed unfavorably.

Though it may seem simplistic, Simone points out that the bird test draws inspiration from the work of renowned marriage and relationship researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

The Gottmans’ research highlights the importance of “bids” for connection in relationships. These bids can be expressed in various forms—whether through words, actions, or even subtle gestures. For instance, a request for help with dinner or an audible sigh after a stressful day constitutes a bid for connection, signaling a desire for attention and support.

According to the pair, relationships are typically full of “bids” for connection. These bids can be big or small, verbal or non-verbal. Maybe your partner asks for help making dinner, or sighs after a long day at work. 

As Dr. John Gottman argued, “turning toward” your partner’s bids – asking them questions, helping them with a chore, extending a hand toward them – can show you value your partner and care about their needs. Disregarding your partner’s bids can do the opposite and, over time, prove detrimental. 

The bird theory works in a similar fashion, in a sense.

“In theory, yes, it works, but I think there’s some missing context,” Simone said. 

Let’s say you try the TikTok version bird test on your partner, telling them about a bird you saw that day. If you have hardly, if ever, expressed interest in birds before, your partner may not respond in an excited, engaging way. They may write it off as a weird moment. 

But if you perform a tailored version of the bird test, telling your partner about something you are actually interested in and excited about – a rare penny you spotted, a baseball card you pulled, a cute dog that walked by – and your partner doesn’t respond positively, it could be significant. 

“Ultimately, you do want someone who is going to make an effort to get excited by the things you’re excited about,” Simone explained, noting that your partner doesn’t have to be “fully invested,” but they shouldn’t “shut you down when you’re talking about it.” 

Responding to these bids may also entail contributing, like buying the interesting pair of shoes you pointed out at the mall or taking a picture of a unique bird to show you later. 

While these interactions can seem small, Simone said they can influence your relationship. Referring to Gottman’s research, she noted that if your partner – or you – ignore these “bids” so many times, it’s “going to change that closeness level” in your relationship. 

“If I’m excited by something, and the person I care about most isn’t really that excited about it, and that happens every single time, or most of the time, I’m going to stop telling them about it, right? Which means I’m going to stop sharing the things that excite me with that person. That’s a problem.”

Your partner shrugging off your bird spotting (or equivalent activity) a few times isn’t necessarily a sign to break up. Instead, Simone suggests talking with your partner about how the activity or object is important to you. 

If your partner ignores you at that point, Simone acknowledged that could be a red flag. It will ultimately depend on your relationship. If you haven’t been with that person long, maybe you “cut it quickly.” If you’ve been together for several years, maybe you revisit the conversation with the “sandwich method” – lead with a compliment, express your concern, and close on a positive.  

“If the person doesn’t get it right, give an opportunity to explain it, because that’s part of a good, healthy relationship dynamic anyway, being able to communicate your needs,” Simone added. “Because not everyone thinks the way that you do or sees the way that you do, even if you think they should.”