Q For six years, I have been having an affair with a married man. He is 51 and says he no longer has sex with his wife. I’m 39 and single. We have an incredible physical relationship, and he tells me he loves me and would like us to live together. However, he says he cannot leave his wife because it would devastate their teenage children.
I see him only about twice a month. Because I’m lonely, I have considered meeting someone else while continuing to see him. But when I mentioned this, he became angry and insisted that I should see only him. I also confide in him and value his friendship, so I’m frightened of losing that as well.
A This man does not sound as caring as you believe. Expecting you to remain faithful to him while he stays married is selfish. He enjoys sex with you, as well as the security of his family and home, while you are left alone during weekends, evenings and Christmas.
Even if his sexual relationship with his wife has genuinely ended, continuing an affair is not a solution. It causes pain for his wife and keeps you trapped, too. I also wonder whether his claim is entirely true. Many women wait for years for a married man to leave, only to be left heartbroken as valuable time and opportunities for a loving relationship slip away.
At first, you will understandably miss the sex and companionship. He has been an important part of your life for six years. But you can find friendship, intimacy and support with someone who is fully available and committed to you.
I’m still grieving my husband. How will I know when I’m ready to date again?
Q My husband died four years ago, when we were both in our mid-40s. He left me with our two children, who are now 18 and 22. Life has been incredibly difficult since his death, and we are all still struggling with grief. It arrives in waves and can overwhelm us without warning.
Even so, friends and colleagues often say things suggesting that I will meet someone else or should try online dating. One friend asked, “Surely you don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life?” I never know what to say.
Their comments make me angry. Of course I do not want to be alone forever, but my husband was the love of my life and I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Starting a new relationship would not bring back my children’s father, either.
I feel judged when I say I do not want to date. People seem to think I should be looking for someone. How can I get them to stop asking?
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A I am so sorry that you lost your husband at such a young age. It is clear that your grief remains profound.
Sadly, you may not be able to prevent people from asking, because they may believe they are trying to support you. Many people find it difficult to sit with someone else’s grief and instinctively look for a way to make the pain disappear. They do not always understand that this is not what a grieving person needs.
Grief has no fixed timetable. Dating might eventually offer companionship, pleasure and some relief from loneliness, but you are not ready now, and that is completely acceptable. Some people worry that loving someone new would betray the person they lost, or fear they will never find anyone comparable. Yet a new love would not diminish the love you shared with your husband.
I also wonder whether you are trying to carry your children’s grief for them, as if experiencing their pain so intensely could somehow reduce it. That instinct is understandable and deeply loving. But your children will grow, build their own lives and learn, in their own time, how to live alongside their loss.
You are allowed to consider your own happiness. When you feel ready, I am sure your children will want that for you as well.
The online bereavement community at sueryder.org may offer useful support and connect you with people who understand what you are going through. Grief is not a straight path: it is possible to remain deeply sad while gradually reconnecting with life.
Although you cannot control whether people ask, you do not have to justify your decision. You can simply say, “I don’t feel ready yet.” That is enough. Others may have their own ideas about what would help, but this is not necessarily a judgment of you. What feels right for you at this stage is your choice, and I hope the pain becomes gentler with time.