Dear Jane: I Caught My Roommate’s Boyfriend in an Unthinkable Act

Dear Jane,

When my roommate began seeing her boyfriend, I had my doubts.

She admitted he had a reputation as a party animal before they got together, although she repeatedly assured me that phase of his life was over.

Following his latest behavior, though, I am far from convinced.

During the week, he appears perfectly ordinary. The problem emerges at weekends, especially once the night gets late.

We often go out for drinks, and after he has had a few, he becomes noticeably more unruly than everyone else. He climbs onto tables to dance, breaks bottles and makes vulgar jokes. Yet it is his conduct after we return home that leaves me most uneasy.

A few weeks ago, I walked into the kitchen and found him extremely drunk and completely naked.

And yes, I saw everything.

I was shocked, but initially dismissed it as an isolated drunken incident.

But it has continued. For several weeks, after nights out drinking, I have entered the kitchen, living room and even the bathroom to find him partly or fully undressed.

I’ve tried to gently tell him that I’d prefer if he kept clothes on around the house, but he hasn’t listened.

Now, I feel like my only choice is to tell my friend how weird and inappropriate he’s being. I just worry it will either ruin her happiness or our friendship.

Sincerely,

Party Foul

Dear Party Foul,

One of the hardest things in the world is when your closest friends end up with partners that you would not have chosen. 

And much of the time, even if we try and keep our feelings to ourselves, it either changes that friendship or ends it.

Nine times out of ten, someone in the first flush of love is going to choose their partner over their friend.

You’re not quite there yet, but it sounds like you have been clear with him. 

Unfortunately, however clear your boundary may be about not getting naked in the house, alcohol has a tendency to get in the way. In fact, it sounds less like he has a nudity problem and more that he may have an alcohol problem.

I do think, given that he has ignored your request, that it’s time to raise it with your friend. Tell her that when you find him repeatedly naked in the house it makes you uncomfortable, that you have asked him to stop and he has not done so.

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You can’t control whether it ruins her happiness or not, nor how it will affect your friendship.

Perhaps you end up moving out, protecting your friendship in the process. Perhaps he will listen to her, if not to you. There are many ways for this to be solved, but you can’t do any of it by yourself.

Dear Jane,

My girlfriend and I have always split everything equitably – whether that be groceries, rent or electric bills.

I’ve always earned more, so I’ve paid more. But recently, my girlfriend got a huge promotion and massive pay raise.

I was happy for her – she’s worked so hard for so long and it is well deserved. But when I saw how much her new income would be, I couldn’t help but wonder if that meant she would be sharing more of the financial burden.

With her new salary, she’s actually making more than me. And while I’m certainly not struggling to make ends meet, it would be nice to not have to contribute as much as I do now.

A few days after she started in her new role, I casually made a comment about her pay increase and joked about how I’m making less than her now, hoping that she would get the hint and offer to make our contributions more equitable.

She didn’t. Instead, she laughed it off.

I don’t know how to bring it up again. I’m uncomfortable talking about finances as is, and I don’t want to burst her bubble.

Sincerely,

Money Talks

Dear Money Talks,

Congratulations to your girlfriend. I know that talking about finances is one of the most difficult things that couples can face and I applaud you for your first attempt.

But now it’s time to have a more difficult talk.

The conversation has to take place in a calm atmosphere – perhaps over dinner somewhere. 

Start by telling her how proud you are of her promotion, how much she deserves it. Then, set the jokes aside. 

We often try and make light of things that we feel uncomfortable discussing, but adding levity reduces the seriousness of the discussion. 

Instead, tell her that given how much more she is now earning, you would like to look at making the bills more equitable.

Explain that this system was always based on the difference in your salaries, so it’s natural to adjust those percentages now that the balance has flipped.

How she reacts and how the two of you navigate to find a solution is a great indicator of how you will manage difficult conversations if and when you do get married.