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My aching joints and habit of forgetting everyone’s name might suggest otherwise, but my face does not look 56 – and neither does my body.
Now that I’m post-menopausal, the dramatic fall in oestrogen – and consequently collagen – should have left me with loose skin and deep lines. Yet the ageing reckoning I expected at this stage of life has not arrived.
That is not to say everything looks as it once did. Firm fullness has given way to thinner, crepey skin in some unexpected areas, including my earlobes, inner elbows and the hollow between my collarbones. Still, I seem to be defying Mother Nature when it comes to visible ageing, judging by the surprise people express when I reveal my year of birth.
People regularly ask how I manage to look younger than I am, and one part of my explanation has proved decidedly controversial.
I was certainly fortunate to inherit excellent genes from my dermally blessed father. That is not just wishful thinking: several DNA tests assessing genetic susceptibility to skin ageing have consistently placed me below average, estimating that I look around five years younger than my biological age.
There has also been plenty of effort. For most of my life, I have cleansed, moisturised and applied SPF, aware that consistent preventive care offers the best long-term defence against environmental skin ageing caused by UV exposure, pollution, partying and stress.
Then there is a little cheating. As a beauty journalist, I have access to the ever-expanding world of cosmetic ‘tweakments’, although I have approached them cautiously because it is all too easy to end up looking desperate. In terms of the work I have had done, I am probably much like many of my colleagues. Despite what people may assume, I have no facial fillers and no Botox in my forehead. I do, however, have Botox in my neck, between my eyebrows to soften my angry frown, and in my top lip for a subtle boost of fullness.
‘My aching joints and habit of forgetting everyone’s name might suggest otherwise, but my face does not look 56 – and neither does my body,’ writes INGЕ VAN LOTRINGEN
‘I believe there is a reason I look younger. And, dare I say it, that is simply because I have not had children – by choice’
It is also worth acknowledging the youth-preserving benefits of HRT, which I have been taking through the NHS for five years.
But I believe there is another, considerably more contentious, reason I look younger. And, dare I say it, that is simply because I have never had children – entirely by choice.
I never longed for children or imagined becoming a parent. Since I believe the least a child deserves is to be its parents’ most cherished wish, the question was never really up for discussion between my husband and me.
Choosing not to have children placed me in the minority among friends and colleagues. As I watched them welcome babies, I also watched them change.
For the most part, their youthful appearance survived their 30s, apart from the inevitable exhausted year or so after each newborn arrived. But during their 40s, ageing appeared to speed up. Wrinkles became more pronounced, age spots appeared sooner, and sagging jowls and looser necks arrived years before I noticed anything similar in my own reflection.
This was not something I observed smugly from behind an ageless face. They noticed it, too, often blaming their crow’s feet squarely on their children and the stress those years had brought. They said it with an indulgent smile, of course, but the point remained.
My grandmother gave birth to 13 children and died in her early 60s. I always assumed her body had simply been worn down by producing and raising so many small human beings.
Honestly, I cannot see how anyone would avoid adding ten years to their appearance while holding down a job and simultaneously battling the education, childcare and healthcare systems. Add sleep deprivation, relationship pressures, school runs, bullies, teenage angst and social media threats, and the anxiety would be enough to make my head explode.
A child-free life is not free of stress, of course, but it does not carry the same responsibility to resolve every problem for another person who depends on you.
My husband and I have always felt that not having children has allowed us to avoid growing up completely. We can selfishly pretend we are still 25, with little to worry about beyond ourselves and each other – setting aside our parents, friends, pets and the state of the world for a moment. Most importantly, it has spared us major upheavals and any sense of neglect within our relationship. After 30 years, we are still happily carrying on much as we did at the beginning.
No small children have ever joined us in bed (although the cat does). Life-affirming passions have been indulged without reservation: I’m sure I would have had something to say about my husband’s decades of racing classic cars, and he in turn about my years of jetting off to fabulous destinations, had we had kids – but we had no reason to cramp each other’s style.
Arguments are thrashed out without delay or time to fester because of more important child-related issues. As for the big blows that have and will come – bereavements, financial insecurity, illness – we can be the rock of undivided attention the other one requires. It all helps keep love and (perceived) youth alive.
Of course having the time and disposable income for so-called ‘self-care’ is another major youth-preserving factor.
‘It’s undeniable that the rigours of child-rearing – which can result in sleep loss, lack of time for exercise and poor nutrition – wind the clock forward for mothers’
I shell out £800 a year on gym fees in the name of self-improvement, and on top of my £2,000 annual skincare habit, I love my ‘tweakments’, such as skin-hydrating injections, the aforementioned Botox sessions and brightening Debbie Thomas DNA laser facials, at roughly £400, £750 and £500 respectively, three times each a year.
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Last year I had the collagen-boosting Julaine biostimulator injected across multiple areas of my face and neck, taking my skin from thinning and on the verge of sagging to looking and feeling dense and juicy. People noticed (thankfully, as it cost £4,500) – I’ve been told my cheeks ‘look like a baby’s’ (a stretch, but I’ll take it).
I even went under the knife in 2024, plumping for an upper eyelid blepharoplasty (or eye lift) to correct the tired, drooping lids that were going the way of my mum’s. It was, in expert hands, surprisingly low on downtime, with recovery taking just a week – but that’s still seven days that most mums can’t spare. It set me back a huge £7,000 but having my 30-something eyes looking back at me actually gives me energy.
And I mustn’t forget my regular haircuts and highlights at about £900 a year.
All told, my regular beauty regime costs over £5,000 annually, which can double if you add expensive, one-off treatments. I’m fully aware how big a part this self-indulgence plays in my holding back the years – something most mums neither would nor could allow themselves.
But it’s also undeniable that the rigours of child-rearing wind the clock forward for mothers. Sleep loss, lack of time for exercise, poor nutrition and inadequate emotional support all have well-established effects on inflammation, metabolic health and, ultimately, healthy ageing. It must be particularly galling for mums – not only is life more stressful, but they’re punished for it with crow’s feet.
Sleep deprivation in particular takes its toll on your system. On average, studies show, new mothers lose between one and two hours of sleep a night in the first year of their babies’ lives. Women’s health doctor Dr Jo Mennie cites a 2021 UCLA study proving that a lack of postpartum sleep ‘predicted increased biological ageing a year after giving birth’.
This is backed up by what we know about sleep deprivation in general, she says: shorter, poorer, more irregular sleep damages DNA and impairs internal DNA repair – meaning creaking bones, failing memories and wrinkles… ageing, in other words.
It’s not only mothers (and dads) who suffer sleep deprivation, of course. I’ve struggled with insomnia for 18 years, and I can definitely argue that I’ve slept less over this time than many of my mum friends. So, on the face of it, I should look 95. However, I’ve also had the freedom to recover whenever, and however, I needed. And that recovery can make all the difference.
Lie-ins, long runs, daily yoga, vegetating in front of the telly all weekend, impromptu holidays and mini breaks, all-nighters spent with friends and/or my husband and wine – it’s all been available on tap to me with no interruption and, very importantly, no guilt.
‘Having the time and disposable income for so-called ‘self-care’ is a major youth-preserving factor’
Apart from sleep, Mennie reckons that regular resistance training, consistent sun protection and limited alcohol consumption are important levers for longevity and youthfulness. Add a healthy diet with sufficient protein intake, close social connections and a lack of psychological stress (which, studies show, is as ageing as being a smoker), and you’ve got the best chance of living a long, healthy – and age-defying – life.
They’re habits I’ve been able to practice (well, minus the sleep) without compromise. For over-taxed mothers, however, they’re some of the first things to fall by the wayside. In that respect, I’ve probably had the edge in terms of keeping up youthful appearances.
But lifestyle factors aren’t the only reason mums may age faster than non-mums. There’s a clinically documented trade-off between the energy you need to produce babies and the energy the body needs to repair and regenerate itself (the former sapping the latter), although this primarily applies to those with six or more kids. It explains some of the turbocharged biological ageing in mothers with a large brood of children. I knew it, Granny!
In addition, Mennie reveals that pregnancy really does take a toll directly on your skin. While the damage it wreaks on the entirety of the body’s systems typically is reversed soon after giving birth, she explains, skin cells don’t get that benefit. The precipitous drop in oestrogen after childbirth goes hand-in-hand with a sudden freeze in the production of collagen: that pregnancy ‘glow’ turns into the dull, flaky skin of new motherhood. Breastfeeding delays renewed production of collagen yet further. ‘So while your system may not suffer, your face can tell a different story,’ says Mennie.
Weight gain can be another issue. According to the NHS, most pregnant women put on up to 2 stone. Dramatically fluctuating weight, particularly in successive pregnancies, plus the rigours of breastfeeding, will also make a difference to the tautness and elasticity of skin.
In other words, there’s some real proof that having kids causes accelerated visible ageing. Not that my friends with children were too surprised.
But, I tell them, all the more reason for some well-earned mummy me-time. It might even make you look younger.
How to look younger for less
As a beauty journalist, I’ve tried lots of expensive treatments and tweakments over the years. And yes, I do spend £2,000 on skincare annually. But, while I am partial to a pricey serum, I know for a fact that an effective skincare regime doesn’t have to cost a fortune. In fact, the best advice for turning your skin around and making you look radiant at any age – whether you have children or not – is based on affordable staples. Here is my pick of the best ones…
A cheap and cheerful cleanser
Year-round SPF
There is no youthful-looking skin with out daily facial UV protection all year round and, if you commit to this, you can actually reverse signs of ageing over time. The choice is huge (and includes plenty of weightless, non-oily textures), but, personally, I swear by Ultrasun SPF50+ anti-ageing Face Fluids. Or La Roche Posay is another reliable brand. But whatever SPF you use, the most important thing is to wear it daily – rain or shine.
Personalised skincare (without the price tag)
One smart way to tackle signs of ageing is Klira, an online subscription service offering bespoke prescription skincare formulations alongside personalised advice from its dermatologists. Your freshly-made treatment is delivered monthly and features clinical actives such as tretinoin and azelaic acid, with dosing adjusted over time to suit your needs.
It costs £59 a month (klira.skin), which may be on the more expensive side, but will save you money in the long term. It’s designed to be your single night moisturiser, giving you everything you need and so avoiding convoluted routines which can end up costing a small fortune.
I can tell you from experience it’s as effective as it is as cost-effective, and far cheaper than seeing a private dermatologist. Alternatively, The Inkey List Advanced Retinal Serum is a good and affordable age-defying vitamin A formula for nighttime – always pair with an SPF by day. I also like the brand’s gentle and plumping Bioactive Ceramide Eye Cream.
It costs £59 a month, which may be on the more expensive side, but will save you money in the long term. It’s designed to be your single night moisturiser, giving you everything you need and so avoiding convoluted routines which can end up costing a small fortune.