Jana Hocking: The Surprisingly Common Kink Everyone’s Talking About

Two simple words have achieved more for my sex life than mood lighting, expensive lingerie and a generous sampling of the Kama Sutra ever managed. Unfortunately, they are also the exact phrase I use when my friend’s Labrador proudly drops a tennis ball at my feet: “Good girl.”

I realize this confession may make me sound unbearably self-involved — possibly even a touch narcissistic. But there it is. I have a praise kink, and frankly, I have no intention of apologizing for it.

If the phrase “praise kink” has somehow passed you by, here’s the short version: it’s the particular thrill of being complimented, encouraged or told how irresistible you are, especially during intimate moments.

In other words, if a perfectly timed “You feel amazing” has the power to send you into another dimension, you are far from alone. The subject has become a major talking point online, with TikTok videos about praise kink drawing more than 60 million views at last count.

My own realization came courtesy of a French man who excelled at unhurried foreplay and seemed to know instinctively which words would undo me. At one point, he held my gaze with impossibly blue eyes and said, “That’s my good girl.”

I lost my mind.

I mean, it certainly helped that he was French and looked deep into my soul as he said it, but further research has confirmed that nope, you don’t need an accent for me to unravel under those well-timed words.

‘Good girl’ is the most famous praise kink phrase, although a breathy ‘You’re doing that so well’ or the disgustingly effective, ‘You have no idea what you do to me’ will also get the job done.

All of a sudden, I’m going gaga for top marks in the bedroom.

Now listen, there’s no denying that some women get off on being tied to the bed and called a filthy little tart – hey, I never kink shame. One person’s yuck is another’s yum.

However, the rest of us have discovered that a glowing performance review is what really gets us going.

Praise kink has been quietly steaming up TikTok and romance novels for years. Online reading communities now compile enormous lists of books based almost entirely on whether the male hero knows when to deploy a well-timed ‘good girl.’ One Reddit thread dedicated to the kink attracted almost 1,000 upvotes.

And men, please take note, because some of you still think peak dirty talk is loudly asking, ‘Do you like that?’ every 30 seconds.

Snore. Spoiler alert: usually, we don’t.

The more I looked into praise kink, the more I realized that men have been talking dirty to women all wrong.

Porn has handed them a very particular bedroom script, and it’s a bad one. It’s heavy on commands and degradation, using words most women would slap a stranger for saying anywhere else.

Again, yes, once again plenty of women genuinely love that. Godspeed to them.

But I suspect many others have politely endured some wildly aggressive pornographic dialogue because they didn’t want to embarrass the man delivering it.

There is nothing quite like lying naked beneath a perfectly pleasant accountant named Simon as he suddenly begins speaking like a recently paroled nightclub bouncer.

One moment he’s asking whether you’d like another glass of pinot and the next he’s calling you names that make you mentally go, ‘Eww, what?’

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We’ve spent so long discussing the way porn has shaped men’s expectations of women’s bodies that we’ve overlooked what it has done to their vocabulary.

At its most simple, feeling intensely desired is sexy. Of course, there could also be a slightly darker explanation for our collective weakness.

Daddy issues.

Yes, I know. Ick. But stick with me.

Could a well-timed ‘good girl’ feel so powerful because some of us grew up desperate for approval? There are therapists who believe a praise kink can occasionally be connected to the affirmation we lacked earlier in life, particularly from our fathers.

If you spent your formative years chasing gold stars from someone who rarely handed them out, perhaps approval carries a little extra charge in adulthood.

How very Freudian.

Then again, sexual experts are also quick to point out that enjoying praise doesn’t automatically reveal some great childhood wound. You can have loving parents and a perfectly healthy sense of self-worth and still find a low, well-timed, ‘That’s my girl,’ outrageously hot.

Sometimes a kink is simply a kink.

And if I’m being completely honest – because heck, why stop now? – part of the appeal is the cheeky little power play tucked inside those otherwise innocent words.

‘You look beautiful’ is a compliment, but ‘That’s my good girl,’ contains a hint of possession that really makes things interesting.

Sorry, my feminist ancestors. My kink has done you dirty.

But that, dear gents, is why you need to tread carefully, because ‘good girl’ is astonishingly divisive. Say it to one woman and she’ll melt. Say it to another and she’ll wonder whether you’re about to reward her with a dog treat.

I put a poll on my Instagram, asking if other women found it a turn on, and the answers surprised me: 54 percent said it was an instant turn on, compared to 46 percent who said: ‘Please don’t speak.’

The safest way to test the waters is to begin with some sincere praise. Tell her what she is doing to you. Tell her how incredible she looks. Who wouldn’t love that?

And to be fair, we women have spent years faking orgasms. Men can manage one enthusiastic compliment.

As for me, I have accepted my diagnosis. Perhaps a little too eagerly.

Call me ‘good girl’ and I’ll be checking my phone every six minutes like you’ve placed me under some sort of horny little spell. If that desire can be traced back to a murky psychological need for validation, I’m sure a therapist and I will have a fascinating chat about it one day.

Until then, I’ll be over here wagging my tail.