A fierce parenting debate has erupted across social media, and it has now become so intense that it has been given its own label: Babygate.
The controversy began after MAFS star Domenica Calarco spoke out about the father of her daughter, Dove, from whom she is separated, deciding to go to a friend’s wedding as a groomsman instead of being there to mark their baby’s first birthday.
As a mother of five, I feel I have earned at least some right to comment on the matter, having navigated more children’s birthdays than I can count over the years.
I have hosted every kind of celebration, from parties with entertainers and elaborate cakes to the inevitable goodie bags pressed into the small, sticky hands of delighted children on their way out the door.
And on this point, I think Dom has a case: the milestone birthdays stay with you, and I can still vividly remember the first birthday of my eldest child, Caja.
I’d booked flights to India, visited the Taj Mahal, floated down the Ganges in Varanasi and bought bangles in Jaipur.
Caja wasn’t there.
She was back in Sydney with my mum. In fact, not only did my firstborn turn one while I was swanning around India, she decided to take her first steps while I was gone too.
Former MAFS star Domenica Calarco unleashed on her daughter’s father after he missed her first birthday
I did bring her back a snow globe I picked up from the market near the Taj and somehow, we both survived.
Fast forward 17 years and she has never once confronted me about the trauma of my absence on the first anniversary of the day she was born.
Which is probably why I’m finding the whole Babygate saga a bit much.
To be fair to Dom, I can understand being disappointed. She had pictured the three of them spending the day together as a family, perhaps going to the zoo or aquarium, and has spoken about wanting to create those memories together despite no longer being a couple.
Fair enough. We all picture how certain days are going to look and it’s annoying when someone else doesn’t follow the script.
But the dad isn’t ducking the birthday for a better offer at the pub. He’s a groomsman at his mate’s wedding, something he agreed to months ago.
Dom seems to think the fact he knew the date when he accepted the role of groomsman makes it worse. I’m not sure it does.
And the poor guy didn’t swerve it entirely, he was with them both in the morning.
Jonica Bray reveals she missed her own child’s first birthday while she travelled around India
But according to Dom, who has since doubled down on her frustration, that simply wasn’t enough.
I don’t know if it crossed her mind, but there’s also a fairly obvious solution here which seems to have been lost somewhere in the outrage: they could always celebrate Dove’s birthday on another day.
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She’s turning one. She won’t know.
I’ve done it myself plenty of times. If a birthday falls midweek or at a time that makes absolutely no sense for the rest of the family, we move it.
Not officially, obviously. Nobody is altering birth certificates.
Although having my own birthday on December 30, I wouldn’t mind if that was an option, because let me tell you, the night before New Year’s is not ideal.
Two weeks ago, for example, my youngest turned two.
Work and the other kids’ sporting schedules meant we weren’t getting home until 6pm and he is normally tucked up in bed by 7pm.
Dom wasn’t satisfied her daughter’s father spent the morning of her birthday with her
So we did it on the weekend.
Be honest: how often have you pulled out the photos from your childhood birthdays?
I actually think I’ve only ever seen one photo of myself with a birthday cake. I’m about five and sitting on my great-grandad’s knee. I’ve always thought of it as a photo from my birthday, although now that I’m writing this, I’m wondering if it was actually his.
First birthdays are lovely. They’re a milestone and absolutely worth celebrating, but they mean far more to us than they do to the person whose name is written on the cake.
A one-year-old doesn’t know it’s Tuesday, doesn’t know Dad is at a wedding and won’t know if you move the whole thing to Sunday.
Dom asked whether she was being overdramatic and, while I probably wouldn’t have volunteered an opinion otherwise, once you ask the internet it seems fair game.
The answer is yes.
‘Dom asked whether she was being overdramatic and, while I probably wouldn’t have volunteered an opinion otherwise, once you ask the internet it seems fair game,’ writes Jonica
Not for being disappointed. I understand that bit. It’s the leap from being disappointed that the day she imagined isn’t happening to publicly shaming the father for making a choice that really isn’t that outrageous.
My firstborn is 18 now and studying Civil Engineering at university. She couldn’t care less that I spent her first birthday in India and clearly my absence on the big day didn’t derail her too badly.
Although, thinking back, I’m pretty sure I was also in that painfully earnest first-child, sugar-free phase, so she probably only missed out on a watermelon slice anyway.
As for the two-year-old whose birthday we casually relocated to the weekend, we gave him a $5 beach toy and a mudcake from Coles. He seems pretty happy.