Mum Wants Me to Buy a House With Her, But I’m Worried It Could Hurt My Marriage

Dear Vanessa,

My mother is 72 and has been living by herself since my father died several years ago. She now feels their home is too large, too costly and too demanding for her to manage alone.

She is proposing that she sell the property and contribute $500,000 towards buying a larger home with my husband and me. Under the arrangement, she would have a separate bedroom, bathroom and living area. We could buy a far better house, while Mum would no longer be isolated.

Initially, I thought it was a sensible solution. My husband, however, is firmly opposed to the plan.

He gets along well with Mum, but believes sharing a home with her would fundamentally alter our marriage. He fears she could become involved in our day-to-day decisions and that we would lose our privacy. He is also concerned that selling or moving later could become difficult if Mum did not agree.

Mum argues that the money will eventually come to me anyway, so she believes it is more practical to use it now. Because she would be contributing such a significant amount, she also wants to be listed as a co-owner of the property.

My husband keeps raising questions I cannot answer: what if Mum later needs the money to pay for aged care, or what happens to the house if our marriage ends?

I feel caught between the two people I love most. I do not want Mum to remain alone when we may be able to support her, but I also do not want this arrangement to put our marriage under strain.

Is my husband being unreasonable, or could moving in together be a serious mistake?

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I can see why this idea appeals to you. Your mum would no longer be living alone, you could help her as she gets older, and her contribution would allow you and your husband to buy a better home.

But your husband isn’t being unreasonable. He is looking past the property purchase and thinking about what this arrangement could mean for your marriage and your everyday lives.

Living with a parent can work very well, but only when everyone is honest about what they expect. Problems usually start when families assume they will work everything out as they go.

Before you look at houses, talk about what living together would actually involve.

Would your mum expect to eat with you every night? Would she come on family holidays? Could you have friends stay? Who would pay for groceries, bills, repairs and renovations? How much privacy would each of you really have?

You also need to talk about what would happen if your mum’s health declined. Would you or your husband be expected to care for her? 

Your husband may be worried that sharing a home would eventually turn into a caring role that neither of you has agreed to take on.

The $500,000 needs to be treated very carefully too.

Although your mum says the money will come to you one day, it is not your inheritance yet. It is her money and it may need to support her for the rest of her life. She could live for another 20 years or more, and her health, care needs and wishes could change.

If she puts most of her money into your home, what happens if she later needs to pay for aged care? What if she decides she no longer wants to live with you? Could you afford to return her money without selling the property?

There are difficult questions for you and your husband as well. What would happen if your marriage ended? What share of the property would your mum own? Could one person force a sale? Who would receive any increase in the property’s value?

These questions may feel uncomfortable, but ignoring them will not make them disappear.

Your mum should get her own independent legal and financial advice before contributing any money. You and your husband should also get advice about the ownership structure, expenses and what happens if someone wants to leave the arrangement. Everything should be put in writing.

That is not a sign that you don’t trust one another. It is simply the best way to protect everyone involved.

There may be other options. Your mum could downsize to somewhere close to you. You could look for a property with a completely separate flat and entrance. You might even try living together temporarily before making such a large and permanent commitment.

Most importantly, don’t turn this into a choice between your mum and your husband.

Listen to what your husband is afraid of losing. Ask your mum what she expects life in the new home to look like. Then have a conversation involving all three of you.

If you cannot agree on privacy, money, care and a way out, don’t buy the house together.

A bigger home might solve one problem, but without clear boundaries it could create several more.

All the best,

Vanessa

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