Dear Jana,
For our 10th wedding anniversary, I agreed to have a threesome with my husband and another woman. I suggested it, but I didn’t understand the emotional complications that could follow.
We met her online and deliberately chose someone in another state while we were away for the weekend. The experience itself was enjoyable, nobody seemed excluded, and we even shared a surprisingly civilised breakfast the next morning before she went home.
We followed one another on Instagram, and I assumed that would be the end of the connection, apart from the occasional uncomfortable ‘like’.
Then my husband told me she had recommended a novel to him. This is a man who has been stuck halfway through the same airport thriller since Christmas. Now he is reading before bed and telling me she is ‘actually really interesting’.
They have started messaging privately. He says there is nothing wrong with it because I was present when we had sex, but that feels like an extremely generous interpretation of what I agreed to.
I feel ashamed to admit that the sex itself upset me far less than learning he told her about a difficult day at work before he told me. Am I entitled to ask him to stop contacting her, or did I open the door to something I now have to accept?
Third Wheel.
The Daily Mail’s Jana Hocking (pictured) advises a wife who is worried about her marriage after an anniversary threesome involving her husband and another woman
Dear Third Wheel,
I have said it before, and I will keep saying it: threesomes require extreme caution.
Of all the sexual situations people ask me about, this is one of the most likely to produce regret and complicated fallout.
Consider how difficult it is to ensure that three people share the same expectations both before and after sex. The couple needs to have a strong foundation, while the third person must be clear about whether the arrangement is intended as a one-off or could develop into something more.
That may sound manageable in theory, but once the sex has happened, emotions can quickly shift and the entire situation may look different.
One partner may become more invested than expected, the third person may develop feelings, or the reality may fail to match the fantasy. The most difficult outcome is when two people form a separate bond and continue it without the other partner, which appears to be what is happening in your marriage.
Casual sex can bring unexpected emotions to the surface, and there is always a risk that people will want more than they initially agreed to.
I have watched this happen among friends. What began as an enjoyable threesome gradually turned into a throuple. Eventually, the relationship collapsed, leaving all of them estranged and no longer speaking.
‘We met her online and deliberately chose someone in another state while we were away for the weekend,’ a woman tells Jana. (Stock image posed by models)
Threesomes may sound exciting and adventurous, but the reality can be deeply messy. Perhaps they are better suited to single people who have fewer relationship commitments, although even then, nobody should assume everyone will walk away without developing feelings.
Based on your letter, your husband has crossed a clear boundary, even if the two of you never formally discussed it.
You might not have spelled out the rules, but suggesting a threesome doesn’t mean you must quietly accept whatever follows.
Do I think he has a crush? Probably. Has it gone too far to fix? Not yet – but now’s the time to talk. Yes, you’re absolutely within your rights to ask him to stop the private messaging.
You marked your anniversary, now the fallout has hit, and it’s time to steady your relationship. Tell him exactly how this affects you – especially that he spoke to her about his bad day before coming to you. That detail speaks volumes.
And if he trots out another excuse about this being fine because you were there when they slept together, remind him the whole point was to leave this woman in another state.
Have the conversation, watch his response. If he refuses, ask why this new connection matters so much, knowing how you feel.
If you can’t resolve it, consider seeing a qualified sex or relationship counsellor – trust me, they’ve seen this before.
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Readers, let this be a lesson: talk through the ‘afterwards’ before you give in to the fantasy.
Threesomes are not for the faint-hearted.
Dear Jana,
My partner calls me a slut in bed and I love it. Last weekend, he said it in the kitchen and we ended up doing it right there on the bench.
We’ve been together eight months, and the sex is ridiculously hot. I’ve always been quite shy about asking for things, but with him I’ve discovered I like being bossed around and talked to in a way that would appall my book club.
The problem is he’s started carrying it into normal life. The other night, we were getting ready for dinner with friends when he made a comment about my dress and said, ‘You love looking like a little slut.’
I felt horrible. He says he meant it as a compliment because I like that word when we’re having sex, and now he’s worried about saying anything at all.
I don’t want him to become painfully polite in bed. I just want to be able to wear a short dress to dinner without feeling like I’m still in character.
How do I explain the difference when I’ve been enthusiastically encouraging him until now?
Off-Duty Dirty Girl.
A woman who loves dirty talk in the right context tells Jana her lover took things too far on a dinner date and has become suddenly shy. (Stock image posed by models)
Dear Off-Duty Dirty Girl,
Girl, I get it. I once dated a French guy who said the most outrageously dirty, inappropriate things to me in bed, and I absolutely could not get enough.
Oui oui, mon chéri!
But in your case, you’ve got a man who’s just discovered your kink and got a little too carried away.
Time to pump the brakes, mate. It happens to the best of us.
To be fair, you did reward his kitchen dirty talk with sex on the bench, so I can see why he thought he was onto a good thing taking it beyond the bedroom. He’s probably wondering why the same word landed so differently when you were simply getting ready for dinner.
But… the mood matters. Liking being called a slut during sex doesn’t mean you want that label when he’s complimenting your outfit for a night out.
You’re allowed to explain that – no need to feel like you’ve led him on. You’ve been figuring out what you both enjoy. Sometimes it takes someone crossing the line to discover exactly where it is.
Don’t let a little misstep put you both off.
Chat when you’re both relaxed. Tell him exactly what you told me: you love the dirty talk when things are getting sexual, but the comment about your dress made you feel awful.
Try something like: ‘I love it when we’re both turned on and I’m part of it. But when I’m getting ready for dinner, being called a slut makes me feel judged. I want to keep being naughty with you – so if you’re not sure if I’m in the mood, just ask.’
Keeping the word ‘naughty’ in there lets him know you’re still up for it, but that timing is everything.
This gives him some guidance, without making him scared to open his mouth. You can even agree on a simple ‘not now’ to hit pause on the dirty talk – no big production needed.
I honestly don’t think this is a big deal, just a bump in the road. It’s what happens when couples branch out and end up in less vanilla territory. Sometimes you need to spell out what works and what doesn’t. Getting comfortable saying ‘loved that bit, let’s skip this bit’ is a skill. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets.
Bravo for exploring your kinks. It sure beats faking orgasms.