Celebrity Masterchef: Jim Shelley reviews

Nothing ever changes when it comes to Britain’s two great/terrible obsessions: fame and TV competitions involving cooking fancy food.

Celebrity Masterchef proved that – returning for its thirteenth series, even when the contestants weren’t famous and couldn’t cook the fancy food properly.

Even though the food wasn’t fancy (at least compared to the Bake Off’s Showstoppers) it didn’t deter us. We didn’t want to make or eat it anyway.

It didn’t matter whether they were ‘celebrities’ or people we had literally never heard of.

Our appetite for watching people competing in TV kitchens remained the same (insatiable) – much like Celebrity Masterchef’s popularity.

Not even the continuing presence of Gregg Wallace as a presenter – grinning, sweating, and drooling over the dishes (and the female competitors) – has affected its appeal. And if this hasn’t, you figured, surely nothing will. After all no one actually likes Gregg Wallace do they? Not even fans of Masterchef.

Is there a bigger, more unpleasant, buffoon on mainstream television? It’s hard to think of one.

‘Give us something fantastic! I’m hungry. Make me happy!’ he implored them, managing to make the prospect sound slightly disgusting.

When he asked ‘what’s in your mussel and clam broth?’ you just despaired. (What do you think?!)

Gregg it was who provided the show’s first classic ingredient, brainlessly bellowing ‘I’m excited to see you!’ at Episode One’s participants for reasons best known to himself.

It certainly wasn’t because they were exciting, as e virtually admitted when he said of this series twenty contestants ‘they might be able to dance, sing, play sport… We don’t care !’

‘We don’t know you mean!’ viewers must have cried.

The line-up in this year’s series illustrated Celebrity Masterchef’s two big flaws compared to its Reality TV rivals. Yes you guessed it – the celebrities and the cooking.

Neither is good enough to be impressive (like GBBO) or bad enough to be funny (like CBB).

As usual too many of the 20 contestants were either too obscure (AJ Prichard/Jay Blades/Stella Parton/Clara Amfo/Chizzy Akudolu/Jean Johansson) or dull (Anita Harris/Monty Panesar).

Bizarrely, in Week One, three of the five were both:

Michelle Ackerley, Josh Cuthbert, and Martin Bayford proving tediously bland next to the notoriously eccentric/energetic Carol Decker (from T’Pau) and actor/comedian/all-round show-off Keith Allen.

When ‘TV presenter’ Michelle admitted ‘I just keep having that realisation: what am I actually doing here?’ we sympathised, albeit thinking it was more a case of ‘who actually are you?’

Josh Cuthbert meanwhile was introduced as ‘best-known for being a member of the boyband Union J’ – a contradiction in terms if ever there was one.

Just how appealing/entertaining/gripping it was watching a member of Union J char-grill some prawns and serve them in a cabbage wrap?

Logically the answer was: not very.

And yet five-six million of us dutifully fed our obsession with ‘fame’ and food/TV cooking contests.

All in all it was little wonder the opening show was merely a starter, an appetiser, for the next two episodes: next week’s meaty/juicy main course (featuring Spencer Matthews), followed in a fortnight by the mouth-watering pudding that is Gemma Collins.

Our cup runneth over…

In terms of the competition, Episode One followed the traditional Masterchef pattern:

1. the contestants introduced themselves by (over)emphasising how limited their culinary skills were.

2. in the first round they then (mostly) produced something that was perfectly fine/edible

3. they panicked about working in the kitchens of a prestigious London restaurant but coped ‘surprisingly’ well, largely without incident.

4. they (mostly) sailed through round three, cooking miraculously complicated, tasty, dishes.

Here are my awards for the evening

BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN

‘Being on Celebrity Masterchef is terrifying. I feel like some kind of gladiator who’s going in to fight on his own against some lions’

– Keith Allen on cooking a burger for Gregg Wallace

BIGGEST ROCK STAR

‘At home I’d have drunk half a bottle of red wine by now and wouldn’t care !’

– Carol Decker explaining why she was nervous making chilli con carne on Celebrity Masterchef even though she’d ‘played some of the biggest stadiums in the world.’ Her reaction to their positive comments? ‘They were very nice indeed. I might have a little glass of wine later !’ Hic.

BEST/WORST MOTHER

‘I cook regularly because I have two kids and I don’t want them to die so I cook’ – Carol Decker

BEST/WORST MISSED OPPORTUNITY

‘This thing about ‘food presentation’! I just don’t understand ! There’s got to be a Food Presentation Workshop that I can go to somewhere!’

– Keith Allen, after we had just spent 15 boring/pointless minutes watching him work for a day in the kitchen of Covent Garden restaurant, Smith & Wollensky. If that didn’t count as a ‘Food Presentation Workshop’ who knows what Keith was expecting?

BEST/WORST PROTESTETH TOO MUCH

‘This might look like I know something about food but I don’t’ – Keith Allen in Round One, chopping an onion

BIGGEST TRANSFORMATION

‘I’m making chicken with nice salty olives to bring a bit of depth to it’ – Keith Allen on his dish in Round Three that the judges said was ‘moist’, ‘succulent’, ‘well-cooked’, ‘well-seasoned’, and had ‘great flavour’ with a ‘lovely’ cider apple sauce

TALLEST DRAMA QUEEN

Former rugby international Martin Bayford (6ft 10”):

‘I’m just trying not to remove any digits. Hopefully no one dies’

TALLEST PROTESTETH TOO MUCH

Former rugby international Martin Bayford (6ft 10”): ‘that may well have been a fluke’ – after the judges were ‘impressed’ by the ‘nice flavours’ in his Asian prawn curry, pickled fennel, and rice

TALLEST TRANSFORMATION

Former rugby international Martin Bayford (6ft 10”): announcing that the two dishes he was making in Round Three were ‘a wild garlic and morel mushroom soup’ the judges found ‘absolutely delicious’ and a ‘fantastic’ rack of lamb with Dauphinoise potatoes

STADIUM-SIZED PROTESTETH TOO MUCH

‘My children say they know when tea’s ready because the smoke alarm goes off’ – Carol Decker

STADIUM-SIZED TRANSFORMATION

‘An opulent dessert’ – John Torode describing Carol Decker’s fondant, which followed her ‘yummy, ‘flaky’, ‘delicate’, cod wrapped in Parma ham made in her own fish stock, ‘seasoned really well’ with ‘vibrant’ pea puree sauce

MOST HONEST/LEAST EXAGGERATED PROTESTETH TOO MUCH

‘I don’t even know what you would call it. It’s mince, rice, and tomatoes’ – Michelle Ackerley on the dish she was preparing in Round One.

Gregg Wallace: ‘Is that not on its way to being a chilli?’

Michelle: ‘That’s a good point. So what I am making is… a chilli !’

Michelle’s fish pie admittedly had more mash in it than fish but even she caramelised some pears for her ‘warm pear salad which she served with ‘a sweet mustard dressing and edible flowers.’ This is probably more than any one of us ever did. Inevitably she was voted as the night’s loser, rather than Keith Allen.

X FACTOR-STYLE PROTESTETH TOO MUCH

‘If I can make this better than service station cook that would please me enormously’ – Union J single Josh Cuthbert who eventually produced ‘a black cod fillet marinated in miso dressing’ and some fancy French mini apple turnovers)

WORST X FACTOR-STYLE ‘JOURNEY’

‘The judges may have seen there’s a journey I can take vis-à-vis food presentation’

– ex-‘rebel’ actor/comedian Keith Allen uses the J-word to justify staying in the series