Surprise: Celebrity Masterchef saw the most famous name in this week¿s heat and the whole series make it through to Wednesday¿s show. Who¿d have thought it?!

Celebrity Masterchef saw the most famous name in this week’s heat and the whole series make it through to Wednesday’s show.

Who’d have thought it?!

A real miracle.

Surprise: Celebrity Masterchef saw the most famous name in this week¿s heat and the whole series make it through to Wednesday¿s show. Who¿d have thought it?!

Surprise: Celebrity Masterchef saw the most famous name in this week’s heat and the whole series make it through to Wednesday’s show. Who’d have thought it?!

Particularly considering that, despite thousands of episodes, and what feels like hundreds of years, in EastEnders, Adam Woodyatt couldn’t cook.

It was hard to believe that running Walford’s best (seemingly only) chippie, cafe, and pretentious over-priced bistro had somehow counted for nothing.

But the soap legend revealed at the start that the fine cuisine we see being served in Beale’s Plaice, Kathy’s Greasy Spoon, and Max’s Walford East wasn’t really down to him.

‘I am only as good a chef as the props boys that day!’ he insisted.

Is nothing sacred?

Oops: Particularly considering that, despite thousands of episodes, and what feels like hundreds of years, in EastEnders, Adam Woodyatt couldn¿t cook

Oops: Particularly considering that, despite thousands of episodes, and what feels like hundreds of years, in EastEnders, Adam Woodyatt couldn’t cook

Surely he could do a good fry-up, you thought. While his coffee must be amazing – given that everyone in Albert Square goes to the caff at least twice a day (even though they’ve all got a kettle at home).

This seemed to be the main point of difference between them though – presuming Woodyatt’s life isn’t as ‘complicated.’

‘I love food!’ Woodyatt told Gregg Wallace, explaining why he’d wanted to be on the show so badly. ‘I don’t do a lot of cooking, I do a lot of eating!’

His grin – and his stomach – looked just like Ian Beale’s.

In fact they seemed so alike you wondered whether he was actually a committed, brilliant, Method Actor and still in character.

Woodyatt appearing on Celebrity Masterchef was either what you’d call a Busman’s Holiday or a case of Life Imitating Art.

Well, not ‘art’ exactly: Reality TV imitating EastEnders.

Familiar: The second section provided the familiar sight of Adam Woodyatt working frantically in a restaurant kitchen, moaning about the food

Familiar: The second section provided the familiar sight of Adam Woodyatt working frantically in a restaurant kitchen, moaning about the food

The second section provided the familiar sight of Adam Woodyatt working frantically in a restaurant kitchen, moaning about the food.

‘Why’s this one the worst of the lot?!’ he complained in that unmistakable whine, as if everything else (even an innocent pork chop) would to blame if the meal didn’t go well – except him.

He was channelled his inner Beale in Round Three too. Given the chance to prepare any dish of choice, Woodyatt made the judges ‘Iberico pork served with parsnip puree, parsnip crisp, and roast parsnip.’

This told us two things: he definitely liked pork and he really liked parsnip.

‘Have you worked out the timings at home?’ asked Gregg Wallace.

‘No!’ scoffed Adam with Ian-esque arrogance. ‘I literally didn’t have time.’

And no wonder…

Yum: He was channelled his inner Beale in Round Three too. Given the chance to prepare any dish of choice, Woodyatt made the judges ¿Iberico pork served with parsnip puree, parsnip crisp, and roast parsnip¿

Yum: He was channelled his inner Beale in Round Three too. Given the chance to prepare any dish of choice, Woodyatt made the judges ‘Iberico pork served with parsnip puree, parsnip crisp, and roast parsnip’

After all, he did have a chip shop, a caff, and a bistro to run. Not to mention keep an eye on that moody/mad murderer Bobby.

‘You’re going to make this all smart and posh aren’t you?!’ grinned Gregg, clearly believing it really was Ian Beale on the show.

When he tasted the final plate, Wallace was typically enthusiastic/hungry.

‘Your pork is cooked really well!’ he slavered. ‘Your puree is delicious and I love the crispy bits of bacon!’

Let’s face it you love virtually everything Gregg.

John Torode went further still, trumping his co-presenter typically effortlessly and (of course) expertly, telling the soap star: ‘your dish is technically faultless! It just needs a bit more oomph!’

High praise for someone who claimed he couldn’t cook – like every celebrity who went on Masterchef.

‘Overall I’m happy,’ reflected Woodyatt although he didn’t look it. But sounding just like Ian Beale.

Faultless: John Torode went further still, trumping his co-presenter typically effortlessly and (of course) expertly, telling the soap star: ¿your dish is technically faultless!'

Faultless: John Torode went further still, trumping his co-presenter typically effortlessly and (of course) expertly, telling the soap star: ‘your dish is technically faultless!’

The second most high-profile contestant in both Heat Four and this year’s series also sailed through to the pairs round, incredibly.

Again, the credentials of former Geordie Shore star Vicky Pattison weren’t exactly encouraging – namely ‘I used to do a canny chilli at Uni’ and ‘once worked as a waitress.’

‘Do you cook Vicky?’ asked Gregg Wallace.

Vicky did not no, laughing: ‘I don’t think there’s a level to describe just how bad I am.’

To say she had high expectations from her appearance on Masterchef was an understatement.

‘I’m hoping to learn some skills here,’ she enthused, completing her vision adding: ‘find a fella, have kids: hello Delia.’

Amateur: The credentials of former Geordie Shore star Vicky Pattison weren't exactly encouraging - namely 'I used to do a canny chilli at Uni' and 'once worked as a waitress'

Amateur: The credentials of former Geordie Shore star Vicky Pattison weren’t exactly encouraging – namely ‘I used to do a canny chilli at Uni’ and ‘once worked as a waitress’

Stressed: 'I'm starting to sweat,' she admitted as the celebs waited to begin. 'I'm dripping like an egg sandwich'

Stressed: ‘I’m starting to sweat,’ she admitted as the celebs waited to begin. ‘I’m dripping like an egg sandwich’

You weren’t sure what she meant but wished her luck.

She might need it.

She seems like a relatively recent Reality TV phenomenon but alarmingly Vicky Pattison is 31 now. She still has the same youthful charm though, even seeing putting on the Masterchef apron as symbolic: ‘I feel so grown-up!’ she cheered.

Of course it’s all relative.

‘I’m starting to sweat,’ she admitted as the celebs waited to begin. ‘I’m dripping like an egg sandwich.’

Not even she could make that seem appetising.

The task: 'A curry is a flavoured dish with lots of spice, a little bit of chilli in the background, and served with lots of rice,' bellowed John Torode

The task: ‘A curry is a flavoured dish with lots of spice, a little bit of chilli in the background, and served with lots of rice,’ bellowed John Torode

Whereas the contestants in Heat 2 were set the fairly easy task of cooking pizza, Ms Pattison and the others had to prepare the judges a curry.

‘A curry is a flavoured dish with lots of spice, a little bit of chilli in the background, and served with lots of rice,’ bellowed John Torode – in case anyone watching was as thick as he sounded.

Adam Woodyatt actually came close.

‘Oh mate. That rice is not cooked,’ lamented Wallace.

‘No I know,’ the EastEnders’ star agreed cheerfully. ‘I tried some!’

Vicky Pattison’s ‘curry’ was closer to a chicken casserole but miraculously for yet another celebrity who claimed she couldn’t cook, she had made her own (delicious) Raita.

Surprise: Vicky Pattison's 'curry' was closer to a chicken casserole but miraculously for yet another celebrity who claimed she couldn't cook, she had made her own (delicious) Raita

Surprise: Vicky Pattison’s ‘curry’ was closer to a chicken casserole but miraculously for yet another celebrity who claimed she couldn’t cook, she had made her own (delicious) Raita

‘Vicky, I am nothing short of amazed,’ salivated Gregg.

‘You and me both,’ she smiled.

‘And us too,’ you thought.

The other three contestants were: legendary DJ Judge Jules; the former boxing promoter now known as Kellie Maloney; and Tomasz Schafernaker, the BBC weatherman fortunate not to be the first celeb from Heat 4 sent home.

Tomasz laid his cards on the table in the intro, declaring: ‘I do try to experiment with my food – use ingredients and combinations that most people wouldn’t touch.’

Experimental: Tomasz laid his cards on the table in the intro, declaring: 'I do try to experiment with my food - use ingredients and combinations that most people wouldn't touch

Experimental: Tomasz laid his cards on the table in the intro, declaring: ‘I do try to experiment with my food – use ingredients and combinations that most people wouldn’t touch

Which sounded like a commendable attitude to cooking…

‘Like, I will throw raisins and cashew nuts in with tuna.’

Which frankly sounded disgusting…

His curry was similarly adventurous: ‘sea bass topped with a red onion and ginger-spiced sauce, with plain rice, and side of mango and cashew nuts.’

Twist: His curry was similarly adventurous: 'sea bass topped with a red onion and ginger-spiced sauce, with plain rice, and side of mango and cashew nut'

Twist: His curry was similarly adventurous: ‘sea bass topped with a red onion and ginger-spiced sauce, with plain rice, and side of mango and cashew nut’

Even I knew a sea bass seemed…unusual.

‘I don’t know whether I’m cheating or not by doing something that’s not a proper curry,’ Schafernaker admitted, claiming: ‘it’s going to be something like a curry.’

When he presented it to the judges, Gregg Wallace’s verdict was swift, booming: ‘there is no way you could squeeze this dish into the category of curry.’

Not wanting to be too critical he added: ‘but I have to admire some of the skill you’ve shown here.’

Hardly the point! More a case of: ‘you had one job.’

‘I’m not a fan of warm mango and cashew nuts,’ said Torode.

Who is?

Hot and spicy: As for Kellie Maloney's curry, John Torode tasted it and then warned Gregg Wallace: 'careful!'

Hot and spicy: As for Kellie Maloney’s curry, John Torode tasted it and then warned Gregg Wallace: ‘careful!’

‘I’ve never done a curry before,’ Tomasz argued gamely, ignoring the minor detail that he still hadn’t.

As for Kellie Maloney’s curry, John Torode tasted it and then warned Gregg Wallace: ‘careful!’

The most sensitive, considerate, sign of affection between them I can remember, if not actually the first.

‘The flavour of your curry sauce is INCREDIBLE with mega-mega chilli!’ Wallace roared eventually, with his mouth burning and tears of pain rolling down his face.

‘I like very spicy food,’ Maloney conceded.

Feeling hot: 'The flavour of your curry sauce is INCREDIBLE with mega-mega chilli!' Wallace roared eventually, with his mouth burning and tears of pain rolling down his face

Feeling hot: ‘The flavour of your curry sauce is INCREDIBLE with mega-mega chilli!’ Wallace roared eventually, with his mouth burning and tears of pain rolling down his face

The standard of Heat Four was pretty decent – certainly higher than the others – with Gregg Wallace pointing out to John Torode what a difficult decision they faced, lamenting: ‘what are you supposed to do when you like every single dish?!’

Be more discriminating? Send home the one whose dishes you liked least?

Miraculously, this wasn’t Adam Woodyatt and Vicky Pattison (the celebs with the highest profiles). Schafernaker deserved to survive – just for blatantly ignoring the judges’ instructions to make curry.

Chilli: 'I like very spicy food,' Maloney conceded

Chilli: ‘I like very spicy food,’ Maloney conceded

And, amazingly for this show, it was not impossible that Kellie Maloney could actually cook.

This left Judge Jules – house DJ, qualified lawyer, nephew of Rick Stein, and the celebrity who clearly fancied himself as a bit of gourmet, having picked up various ideas and recipes travelling all over the world for his ‘work.’

‘I’ve tried to dive into the cuisine wherever I’ve gone to,’ he mused earnestly as if he was Heston Blumenthal but sounding more like David Brent when he added: ‘I just love everything that the locals would love.’

Splendid: And, amazingly for this show, it was not impossible that Kellie Maloney could actually cook

Splendid: And, amazingly for this show, it was not impossible that Kellie Maloney could actually cook

Whether this included the squid that Gregg Wallace said was ‘greasy’ Jules didn’t say.

Invariably, he referred to his recipes as ‘fusion’ cuisine –always a giveaway sign of someone chucking in different things they can make but that don’t necessarily go together and just hoping for the best.

The other term Judge Jules used (repeatedly) to describe the dishes he made and his ‘cooking style’ was ‘eclectic.’

One of those words that these days tends to be a stupid person’s idea of clever – used particularly by people in the music business to cover every possible element of something and being basically meaningless every time.

‘The Masterchef experience will be one of life’s big memories,’ the DJ insisted, leaving you struggling to imagine how trivial the small ones were.

Cherishing every moment: 'The Masterchef experience will be one of life's big memories,' DJ Judge Jules insisted, leaving you struggling to imagine how trivial the small ones were

Cherishing every moment: ‘The Masterchef experience will be one of life’s big memories,’ DJ Judge Jules insisted, leaving you struggling to imagine how trivial the small ones were