If I were ever handed control of the National Curriculum, “emotional education” would go straight to the top of the timetable. Lesson one would be essential: how to end a relationship with honesty and care.
For all our talk about love, commitment and personal growth, we remain remarkably bad at leaving relationships in a way that preserves dignity on both sides.
Most romances begin with optimism, affection and the thrilling sense that anything is possible. But when that bond starts to unravel, many of us have no idea how to step away without causing unnecessary hurt.
Women are statistically more likely to initiate divorce, and often emotionally detach long before making the break official. Men, by contrast, can spend months or even years delaying the inevitable, sidestepping difficult conversations and hoping the problem somehow resolves itself.
That pattern was painfully familiar to me. I knew how to fall in love with ease; what I had never mastered was how to begin the ending when the relationship had clearly lost its way.
In one particularly unhealthy relationship that lasted several years, I tried and failed to leave 11 times.
There wasn’t even anything tying us together; no house, no dog, nothing legally binding us. There was no reason on earth why I couldn’t simply leave… and yet, I couldn’t. I was addicted to the familiarity of it and frightened of what was on the other side.
Now, having finally managed to exit that relationship and having spent time examining the psychological factors that held me back, I write about relationships in midlife for women, giving them the perspective from ‘the other side’.
‘In one particularly unhealthy relationship that lasted several years, I tried and failed to leave 11 times,’ writes Harry Hardisty
Several hundred women write to me every week telling me their stories of heartbreak, from partners who seem uninterested – to those that leave with no explanation.
So, what are the telltale signs your partner is desperate to leave you – but can’t bring himself to say it?
And what should you do about it? Here’s my guide…
Withdrawal
Conversations get shorter. Your questions about future plans don’t get proper answers, or get deflected. He isn’t hostile, but each week he’s one per cent less present.
This is him slowly backing away, extracting himself mentally from the life you have together. Does he spend every evening with his head in his phone rather than talking to you? Is there always a reason not to book the holiday next year?
This was me in my relationship. I took a bit longer to answer each time, said a bit less, and let the silence do the work that I wasn’t brave enough to do myself.
It’s cruel, because you are watching the disconnect happen in slow motion.
You see the person you thought you were going to spend your life with quietly begin building another life, like a side project in the shed.
Anger
Dirty looks. Snide remarks. Wistful stares into the middle distance while he tunes out of what you’re saying, then tunes out of you entirely.
He is furious at having to live inside something that has failed, and that fury has to land somewhere.
Watch for fights that he starts over nothing. Some of that is temper, but some of it is a man trying to manufacture a reason. If he can provoke you into doing something unforgivable, he gets to be the one who was pushed.
Logistics
He moves the car insurance into his own name. He starts asking questions about the mortgage that are designed to sound casual, but are noticeably out of character.
None of these things mean anything on their own, but over a few months, they accumulate into a picture of a man who is quietly preparing for the possibility of a life by himself – even if he isn’t brave enough to step into it.
He is telling himself that by extricating himself from you administratively, it might make it easier. It rarely does.
He just goes
This isn’t a sign, rather it is what the signs are ultimately leading to.
Countless women have written to me having come home to a cleared-out house, with no note and no explanation.
Many men, particularly in midlife, find the idea of explaining that they want out agonising at best and impossible at worst, so they convince themselves a clean break is kinder.
It isn’t, of course, it’s just easier for them.
Women then blame themselves for having missed something, when the frightening thing is that there was often nothing to miss.
A man who isn’t brave enough to have the conversation is usually not brave enough to have let anything show beforehand either.
‘He is furious at having to live inside something that has failed, and that fury has to land somewhere,’ writes Harry Hardisty (picture posed by models)
What to do
Men are fundamentally bad at leaving. It is a combination of stubborn pride and avoidance, which makes us bury our heads in the sand and hope that the storm passes.
The problem is a partner can often find themselves being bombarded with mixed signals and being made to feel that she’s imagining things.
So, if you think your partner is planning to leave, be careful. Plenty of relationships sit in this phase for years.
While there may be signs that a man has checked out, that doesn’t mean he’s about to do anything about it any time soon. Remember, it took me 11 attempts across a few years, and the 12th, finally, was the one that held.
That doesn’t mean you ignore it. If you recognise your marriage in the description above, the question isn’t whether he’s going to leave. It’s whether you want to spend another year waiting to find out.
And if the answer is no, check the lifeboat before you jump ship. Know where you would live. Know what money is yours. Know who you would ring on the first night.
He may never say it: plenty of men never do. That isn’t a reason for you to pack up and leave tomorrow, but it is a very good reason to stop waiting for him to decide whether you should.