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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 50 years and recently recalled my husband’s infidelity with multiple women. He confessed to having an affair, claiming they met only twice and were intimate just once. However, he insists I’m imagining the other two women. Despite this, I vividly remember these events and feel deeply unsettled. What frustrates me more now is his dishonesty, rather than the decades-old affair itself. Is it unreasonable for me to seek the truth so I can confront my feelings, process them, and eventually forgive him? I am also yearning for a genuine apology. — HEARTSICK IN TEXAS
DEAR HEARTSICK: You don’t need the truth to become angry; you’re already experiencing those emotions. What you desire is an apology, which your husband seems unwilling to offer. It might be beneficial to explore your feelings with a licensed marriage and family therapist. This could help you manage your anger and find a way forward.
DEAR ABBY: My mother’s two closest friends, whom she’s known for nearly 50 years, ended their friendships with her due to political disagreements. These women have been integral parts of my life, joining us for every holiday, and accompanying us on summer and winter vacations. One is even my godmother, and both have been like second mothers to me. Is it really possible for them to disregard decades of friendship so easily? Should my mom simply accept this change, or is there hope for mending these relationships? — SAD SON IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: Two of my mom’s best friends ended their friendship with her after almost 50 years because of political differences. I grew up spending every holiday with these ladies and their families, in addition to summer lake and winter ski vacations and everything in between.
One of them is my godmother, and they both were like second moms to me. Can it be that simple to act as if they were never friends in the first place? Must Mom just accept the change, or can she try to repair the friendships? — SAD SON IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SON: When political differences run so deep that close friendships are destroyed, I am sorry to say they are often not salvageable. I am not sure that time can heal the rift when someone is so entrenched in their political beliefs that they would jettison a 50-year friendship. Suggest to your mom that rather than look backward, she may try to cultivate friends who are less contentious.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 75-year-old therapist who was virtually a single parent. I still struggle with the guilt that I didn’t do a good enough job with my three grown children, despite my trying with what energy and resources I continue to have. Their father has been pretty much absent since our divorce 35 years ago.
How can I get rid of the feeling that I am disrespected by my ungrateful adult children, and how do I stop trying to compensate them for their missing parent? There is minimal chance that they will change their attitude or beliefs at this point. — STRUGGLING IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR STRUGGLING: Thank you for asking. By now you must have realized that you can’t buy love. As a psychotherapist, surely you are aware that therapists have therapists of their own (and many need this support). Because you are in pain over something you can’t change by yourself, recognize that it’s time to become proactive on your own behalf and consult one.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.