DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married to my husband for a decade, during which I’ve seen him grapple with depression and anxiety. I’ve endeavored to be a steadfast support for him throughout these struggles.
Though my husband has attempted therapy multiple times, he has a pattern of abandoning it just when it begins to delve into meaningful areas for growth. He frequently claims that no one can truly understand his experiences, and this mindset affects nearly every facet of his life—his sleep, diet, and how he constantly tries to control me. Furthermore, he spends an excessive amount of time working out, often up to five hours daily.
His reluctance to face these challenges also spills over into his job and overall enjoyment of life. Despite taking frequent leave from work to supposedly get rest, it isn’t rest he seeks but other distractions. When I urge him to maintain a regular work routine, he becomes angry. His employer has started noticing his frequent absences, yet he blames them, feeling targeted rather than acknowledging his own part in the situation. Excuses are abundant, but acceptance of responsibility is not.
This situation has significantly strained our marriage and his bond with our two children, who miss having their father present. As a counselor, I recognize narcissistic traits in his behavior, though I still hold deep love for him. He has not always behaved this way, and I’m torn. While I don’t wish to give up on him, I’m uncertain of how to proceed. I cannot endure this indefinitely and must ensure our children live fulfilling lives. Seeking advice, I feel a bit like a single parent in New Mexico. — LIKE A SINGLE PARENT IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR SINGLE PARENT: Given your professional insight as a counselor, you likely understand that someone cannot be helped if they persistently refuse it. Your children’s well-being must become the priority. Offer your husband a clear ultimatum: seek help and commit to the therapeutic process, or you will need to leave with the children. The current environment you describe is unhealthy not only for them but also for yourself.
P.S. As I’m sure you are aware, some counselors have therapists. Please consider enlisting some emotional support for yourself as you make your way through this.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whom I love and enjoy being with. However, when we spend extended periods of time together, such as a few days on a trip, it doesn’t work well because of our personalities and belief systems. She is not aware of the struggles I have when spending more than a few hours with her and regularly invites me to go on trips with her. I have put her off a few times without telling her the truth. Is there a polite way to tell her that I’d rather not go on a trip with her? — BRIEFLY IN DELAWARE
DEAR BRIEFLY: Tell your friend that you love her and enjoy being with her, but that if it involves leaving home for any length of time it makes you “anxious.” You do not have to explain any further. You may, however, have to refrain from telling her about any travel you do with other, more compatible friends.
DEAR READERS: Happy 250th birthday to the USA! Let’s all enjoy a safe and happy Fourth of July!
P.S. Wishing a Happy Heavenly Birthday to you, Mom! — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.