My dear friend, someone I’ve cherished as family for many years, finds solace in food as her primary source of happiness. With my circle dwindling, she, along with my husband, is among the few loved ones I have left. Several years back, she saw a doctor who urged her to shed some pounds, but instead, her weight increased.
Attempts to discuss her health concerns are often met with responses that suggest she’s already aware, yet no changes follow. Unfortunately, her husband’s struggles with weight don’t help, as they frequently dine out. Various health issues plague her, most of which could significantly improve with an 80-pound weight loss.
The situation tugs at my heart, as I ponder writing her a heartfelt letter. Watching her take no action while grappling with severe health troubles, including a heart condition, is tough. Her body suffers, from aching knees and feet to a liver strained by medication. Dropping much of the extra weight could reduce her medication reliance and enhance her physical mobility.
It’s frustrating that my words, expressing how much her family and I need her presence — from her children and husband to her young granddaughter — seem ineffective. I’m torn between whether writing her a letter explaining my feelings would be inappropriate. — Finding My Voice in Idaho
I am guessing that you’ve already shared these concerns with her directly. Reiterating them in a letter might not be as impactful as you hope. Your friend and her husband have made dining out a bonding experience. Unless they both acknowledge the serious health risks involved and decide to make changes, it’s unlikely anything will shift in their lives.
There is a group that has been mentioned in this column many times called Overeaters Anonymous. It is a self-help group with a long and successful history. In these meetings there is no weighing, no shaming, no dues or fees for members. (They are self-supporting through their own contributions.) While it might not be something your friend is willing to explore, it might make you feel better to suggest this to her if she’s unaware of it. The website is oa.org.
DEAR ABBY: My mother has accused me of removing personal papers from her file cabinet. I have never gone into her file cabinet, nor have I ever removed any papers. This accusation is extremely hurtful. It has strained our relationship. I place great emphasis on honesty and integrity. I am now considering taking a polygraph test to validate my defense. Should I follow through or just let it go? — HONEST DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: Let it go. A polygraph test has a wide margin of error, so it wouldn’t provide conclusive proof anyway. Instead, try to understand that your mother’s accusation may come from frustration with herself at having misplaced the papers. She was wrong to take it out on you, but please show that you can be more forgiving than she has been.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.