DEAR ABBY: Our 33-year-old daughter is on the verge of walking down the aisle, but her wedding day is being hijacked by the mothers. They envision an extravagant affair with over 200 guests, complete with a lavish Catholic ceremony, high-end wines, a fully stocked bar, a gourmet plated dinner, and a live band.
However, my daughter’s vision sharply contrasts this grand spectacle. As someone who doesn’t practice Catholicism, she dreams of a small, cozy celebration with twinkling lights, a DJ spinning tunes, and Californian house wines served at an idyllic vineyard. Yet, her suggestions are consistently dismissed by the mothers, who seem more focused on dazzling their social circles and professional contacts.
Although my ex-wife and I parted ways years ago, I remain an integral part of our daughter’s life. I wonder, how can I guide her to reclaim her wedding day? — DOTING DAD
DEAR DAD: The bride truly deserves a wedding that reflects her desires, but navigating family dynamics can be complex. Convincing these determined mothers to relinquish their grip appears unlikely, and eloping could spark significant fallout.
My recommendation for the couple is to endure the pomp and circumstance with a smile, allowing the mothers to showcase their flair—provided they foot the bill. As a silver lining, the post-wedding honeymoon will provide the perfect sanctuary for relaxation and reflection.
Your daughter can save her more intimate plans for a renewal of vows ceremony held on a milestone anniversary. Obviously, she will want to avoid telling the moms about it until after all the arrangements are in place!
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DEAR ABBY: Our son, daughter-in-law and only grandchild live 1,400 miles away. We are able to see them only about three times a year. We have a warm, wonderful relationship. When we last visited, I noticed a picture in his room of our grandson, who is a year-and-a-half old, with his babysitter. There are no pictures of us with him in the entire house. I would like our grandson to have pictures of us so he will remember us. Should I say anything? — REALLY HURT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HURT: Because you have a warm, wonderful relationship with your son and his family, the lack of photos of you with your grandson is likely not a deliberate slight. The next time you visit, ask them casually why there isn’t one. Then ask one of them to snap some of the three of you and offer to have one framed for them.
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DEAR ABBY: My parents are retired. They live on a limited income and still support my 31-year-old brother, who lives rent-free in their basement. They told me how expensive their electric bill is becoming, and I asked why they don’t have my brother help with expenses or pay rent? Abby, he makes close to $100,000 a year. They quickly changed the subject, and when I tried to circle back, I was told to drop it.
How can I help my parents see that what they are doing is hurting them, not helping their adult son? — THEIR OTHER SON IN MAINE
DEAR SON: There is truth to the adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Understand that your parents must be deriving some satisfaction from encouraging your brother’s dependency. Your attempt to help them resulted in their becoming defensive, so stop talking to them about it. HOWEVER, you should consider talking to your brother about the fact that the electric bills are now so steep it is causing your parents hardship and suggest he help out. It’s worth a try.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.