DEAR ABBY: I’m a gay man living in a predominantly straight community. About a year ago, a married couple moved in. One day, the husband asked me to come over and help him put a table together, which I did. He thanked me by opening a bottle of wine. Then he asked me what turns me on. I thought the question was unusual, but I didn’t hold back — I showed him. 

We’ve had more encounters since then, and now I’m feeling used and thinking about telling his wife. I think she deserves to know her husband might be gay and sleeping with other men. He used some “gay lingo” that makes me think I may not be the only one.

I heard there were some other neighbors talking badly about gays, and he didn’t defend or take up for us. That upsets me, too. What do I do? They live a few doors down, and it’s uncomfortable when I see him and his wife. She’s always waving and is a sweet lady. — RETHINKING IN FLORIDA

DEAR RETHINKING: Your mistake was becoming involved with a married man. You may feel “used,” but remember, you went into that affair enthusiastically. I do not think you should be the person to tell his wife her husband might be gay. (He could be bisexual.) The person who delivers that tidbit should be her husband, if she doesn’t already know. As for you, it’s time to step out of the picture, don’t you think?

DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old woman who passes for early 30s. I understand that most women would pay money to look 15 years younger than their age, but people often make and voice assumptions about me that are annoying. 

I have never felt that people take me seriously despite my two master’s degrees and the business I started with three locations. For years, I have suffered a constant and insensitive barrage of questions and assumptions about my reproductive status. I have gotten pretty adept at countering “When are you going to have kids?” with “God didn’t grant me that superpower, so my husband and I are dog parents who enjoy going on adventures.” 

I am now going through menopause. Despite being on medications to control the symptoms, I often suffer a hot flash at work while meeting with customers. I keep a paper fan at my desk, but I get funny looks from customers when I grab it and start fanning away at my suddenly red and sweaty face. 

I’ll usually smile and ask for a minute to recover from the hot flash, but I am inevitably told that I am “too young” to be experiencing hot flashes. If only that were true. My instinct is to snarkily counter, “Well, my doctor would disagree,” but that doesn’t sound friendly. What would you recommend as an appropriate response? — YOUNG-ISH IN MISSOURI

DEAR YOUNG-ISH: When you are told you are “too young to be going through menopause,” rather than snarl, try smiling and saying, “Tell that to my doctor!” It will get the message across without being confrontational. 

P.S. People may not be aware that menopause has been known to strike women who are younger than you. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.