Dear Jana,

I’m 36 and have been married for five years. In the beginning, we were hot for each other, but now our sex life has all but disappeared. 

I’ll admit, I’ve let myself go a bit during the past couple of months. However, I’ve made efforts to change. I purchased new lingerie and even suggested we watch his favorite pornography together, yet he just shrugs and claims he’s ‘not in the mood’. 

When I pressed him, he said it wasn’t about me – he just doesn’t feel like having sex anymore. I couldn’t believe it.

How do you maintain a marriage when intimacy disappears? Am I expected to accept a lifetime of celibacy, or is there a way to reignite the spark even when he seems unwilling to make an effort?

Bedroom Flatline.

Dear Bedroom Flatline,

Now, I’m going to propose something contentious here, but hear me out. Do you regularly shave your legs? It’s a strange question, I know, but it occurred to me recently while observing a couple I’m friends with.

One woman shared her concerns about her husband not wanting to be intimate with her after five years of marriage (stock image posed by models)

The husband reached across the couch to stroke his wife’s leg in a tender, flirty way… then froze. I caught a flash of horror flicker across his face before he blurted out, ‘Babe! When was the last time you shaved your legs? It’s like stroking a gorilla!’ 

She laughed and shot back, ‘What’s the point? You’ve already married me. No need to try anymore!’

Hilarious? Sure. But that second of disgust lingered with me. Because the fact is, attraction doesn’t simply vanish suddenly for no reason; it slips away slowly over time when partners stop making the effort.

Just as we expect men to brush their teeth, throw on a clean shirt and – please, for the love of God – hold in the farts, we’ve got to keep showing up too. Otherwise, you end up being seen as a housemate, not a lover.

Now, in your case, you’ve clearly made some changes lately, which is great. But his ongoing lack of interest suggests there may be another reason why your husband is shrugging you off completely. It could be stress, low libido, perhaps even a medical issue he hasn’t shared with you. 

Men’s peckers don’t just come with an ‘on’ button. They can actually be quite sensitive to a man’s mental and physical health. He may not be initiating because he isn’t getting erections as readily as he used to. That can be a normal part of ageing – but it can also be a sign of confidence issues or medical problems.

So this dilemma needs an honest conversation – and maybe even a doctor’s appointment or couples’ counselling. You can’t fix this on your own, no matter how sexy your knickers are.

All is not lost – I know plenty of couples who got the spark back after a long dry spell – but you’ve just got to have that awkward conversation. 

Jana Hocking gives advice to a woman who fears her husband has lost interest in her

Dear Jana, 

My ex and I broke up six months ago. I thought I was doing okay until I saw his new girlfriend. 

It’s the worst thing: she’s younger and hotter than me. Every time I look at her Instagram (and yes, I can’t stop checking), I feel like I’ve been replaced with a better model. 

My friends tell me to block her, but I can’t seem to stop stalking.

It’s ruining my confidence and making me question everything about myself. 

How do you stop the constant comparison when the world is screaming that your ex has upgraded?

Shattered. 

Dear Shattered,

I read a quote the other day that completely flipped a switch in my brain when it comes to comparison – which I am guilty of doing myself.

It said: ‘When thoroughbreds run, they wear blinders to keep their eyes focused straight ahead with no distractions, no other horses… You just run your own race.’

And that’s what you need to remind yourself right now – run your own race.

Every time you go snooping on her Instagram, you’re not just checking in, you’re breaking your own heart and slowing down your (tedious but necessary) healing journey.

Sure, she might look hotter or younger, but don’t be fooled by social media. This is coming from someone who has posted thirst traps while crying ugly tears. Instagram is smoke and mirrors – not real life.

Right now is the time for you to enjoy singledom and regain some of that self-esteem you lost in the break-up. It’s not the time to measure your worth by someone else.

I’ve discovered the best way to do this is by simply getting busy. And I mean really busy. Throw yourself into something you’re obsessed with. When I was going through a similar situation, I started a blog. I found writing juicy stories a perfect distraction, and therapeutic too. It worked out pretty well for me…

So what gets your motor going? Perhaps it’s a sport, art, or anything that involves working with your hands. 

Fun fact, when you’re focused on a single task – which can be as menial as a deep clean of your apartment – it shuts down that overthinking part of your brain for a little while. So get out the mop and bucket!

Once you start pouring energy into your own life – your friends, your work, your joy – your ex’s new girlfriend will stop feeling like a threat and start feeling irrelevant.

I promise you, you will be fine.

Dear Jana, 

My closest friend of over ten years recently confessed that she’s been sleeping with a married man – her boss, so clichéd – for the past year. 

She insists she is ‘in love’ with him, but he has made it crystal clear that he has no intention of leaving his wife. She even laughs about how he sneaks away from his family to see her, as if it’s some kind of romantic gesture.

Jana gives advice to a woman whose best friend is bragging about having an affair with her boss (stock image posed by models)

I’ve told her straight out that I don’t condone cheating. Every time she comes to me for advice, I say the same thing: if she loves him that much, she should leave her partner and face the consequences. 

But instead, she twists it, accuses me of judging her, and then brags about how she is ‘so clever’ at hiding their affair.

It has reached the point where I dread seeing her because I know I’ll be dragged into her toxic soap opera. She tells me things I don’t want to know – like how they hook up during work trips, or even at places where they know they could easily get caught. 

The worst part is the way she slags off his wife, calling her stupid for not suspecting them. It makes me sick to listen to. I honestly think she could be a psychopath.

I feel trapped between wanting to support my friend and wanting nothing to do with this mess. How do I set boundaries without blowing up our friendship completely? And honestly, is it even worth trying to save a friendship when someone is this unapologetic about wrecking lives? 

Guilty Bystander.

Dear Guilty Bystander,

Ick. The only thing worse than a mistress is a boastful one. But the cold, hard reality is that her world is about to come crashing down.

This friend of yours is clearly in the deluded, love-sick stage of her affair. The fact that she believes sneaking around equals passion makes my eyes roll.

But rest assured, that bubble always bursts. When people are that reckless, the truth always has a way of coming out.

By the sounds of it, you’ve already lost respect for her, and that’s a big red flag. Friendships can survive differences in taste, politics, even men – but they struggle when your values are so far apart. 

What she views as ‘romantic’, you can clearly see as destructive and selfish. Those are not good qualities in a friend.

So here’s where the boundaries come in. Tell her: ‘I love you, but I can’t hear about this anymore. It makes me uncomfortable.’ That is perfectly within your rights to say. It’s simple, firm and not up for debate.

Whether the friendship survives will depend on whether she can respect that line.

If you’re ready for some brutal honesty, here it is: friendships have seasons.

Some last a lifetime; others fade when the distance between who you’ve become is too great to bridge. 

If she can’t meet you in a place of respect, it’s okay to step back. That isn’t you being a bad friend – it’s just learning where your morals lie.