DEAR ABBY: After devoting numerous years to caring for my parents nearby, I made the decision to relocate to a different state for retirement. Tragically, my father passed away just three months after my move. Despite my heartfelt plea to return and help with his funeral arrangements, my mother was adamant that I remain where I was.
Several weeks later, following a recent phone conversation, she discreetly laid my father’s ashes to rest without informing me. The discovery left me heartbroken, as I received only a meager video capturing her, my brother, and a priest during an intimate ceremony. Though unspoken, I suspect her actions were intended as a punitive measure for my decision to leave.
Unfortunately, my mother’s history of mental illness and narcissism is rife with betrayals, with this incident being only the latest. As the eldest daughter, I often find myself singled out, while my siblings tend to justify her behavior. My brother’s indifference was evident when he remarked, “It wasn’t my job to call you.” Although two years have passed, my mother remains oblivious to the wrong done. How do I overcome this hurt? My love for my dad was immense. — MISTREATED IN ARIZONA
DEAR MISTREATED: My sincerest condolences for the loss of your father. In trying to move beyond this painful chapter, it’s vital to remind yourself of your mother’s struggles with mental illness and narcissism. Being the family’s scapegoat might explain your brother’s reluctance to inform you about the memorial arrangements.
Your father’s love for you was surely as profound as yours for him. If you have access to the location of his ashes, visiting might provide solace. Yet, if their whereabouts remain unknown, prioritizing a future filled with those who genuinely value you could be the best path forward.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve known my wife for 22 years. We had a lot of on and off during those years. The last time we got back together, we married. It’s been almost five years now.
Recently, we had an argument that has her not wanting me to touch her. She refuses to discuss the problem. It feels like she hates me. When I asked if she wanted a divorce, she said, “I don’t know.” I don’t want to lose her, but her actions since that argument make me think it’s really over. Silence in my own house is ridiculous to me. And not even allowing me to touch her feels like she has really given up on us.
I mentioned marriage counseling, and again her response was, “I don’t know.” I feel like I should just go file for divorce, but that’s not really what I want. Please give me some advice on what to do. — BEYOND CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BEYOND CONFUSED: Tell your wife you are not willing to continue being married under the present circumstances. Then return to the subject of marriage counseling. If she is willing to go with you, ask your doctor or your health insurance company to give you a list of qualified marriage and family therapists. The two of you are at a stalemate, and without mediation, your situation won’t change.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.