DEAR ABBY: I’m a single mother raising an 18-year-old son who has autism. For more than two decades, I’ve known “Cliff,” although we live on opposite coasts. We both want to build a life together, but there’s one major obstacle: He says he doesn’t want my son living with us right now. Cliff says he wants the relationship to be just the two of us for a while. Abby, my son cannot live independently. What should I do? — CLUELESS IN THE WEST
DEAR CLUELESS: The fact that Cliff is already trying to leave your son out of the picture is deeply concerning. Before you take another step in this relationship, you need to ask him some direct questions. Where, exactly, does he think your son should live during this supposed “honeymoon” phase? How long does Cliff expect that arrangement to continue? And what kind of housing or care does he believe would be appropriate for your son — not to mention who would be responsible for paying for it?
You haven’t said how independent your son is or how he manages socially, but at 18, planning for his long-term future is essential whether Cliff remains in your life or not. You need to consider what would happen if you were no longer able to care for him. Are there relatives who could step in? Would a supported or group living environment be suitable for his needs? These are difficult questions, but they cannot be postponed.
Many people with developmental disabilities do well in settings that provide structure, companionship and meaningful activity, including work or community programs. Before making decisions about your romantic future, focus first on creating a secure plan for your son. The Autism Society of America, available at autismsociety.org, may be a helpful place to begin exploring resources and options.
DEAR ABBY: My wife died suddenly while we were traveling in Europe. I called several people back in the United States to tell them what had happened and asked them to notify others. Within about six hours of my finding her, someone from my wife’s hometown had posted the news on Facebook. I was too overwhelmed with grief to react at the time, especially because I was trying to make arrangements to bring her remains home. But ever since that devastating day, the way the news was shared has continued to trouble me.
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I sent the person a message, telling him I felt he had been disrespectful to me and my children. He replied that he had been so sad to learn that my wife had died that he felt compelled to post it to Facebook. (He did admit that his timing was bad.) I know I need to move on, and this person will definitely be left behind.
Is posting to social media acceptable before the family has had a chance to write an obituary and publish it? These platforms are public forums and should follow the normal rules of etiquette regarding respecting the family’s privacy. — MOURNING WIDOWER
DEAR MOURNING WIDOWER: Please accept my sincere condolences on your wife’s passing. The acquaintance who posted to Facebook committed a serious social media faux pas. It is never acceptable to make any public announcement of a person’s death before the immediate family has done so. Still worse is the fact that he didn’t wait for 24 hours before rushing to his keyboard. It appears you were never close with this self-appointed town crier, and I don’t blame you for deciding you never will be.
DEAR READERS: Have a safe and happy Labor Day! — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.