DEAR ABBY: For the past 30 years, I have kept my distance from my mother-in-law to protect my sanity. She seems unable to have a conventional conversation. No matter what someone says or asks, she turns the discussion back to herself, often on a topic unrelated to what was said. What troubles me most is how she behaves around our adult children. She never asks about their lives, shows interest in what they are doing or offers them anything warm or encouraging. Instead, she goes on and on about people in her life whom we don’t know. We repeatedly tell her we have no idea who she is talking about, but she carries on anyway. For years, I have tried redirecting the conversation, without success.
She has behaved this way for as long as I’ve known her. Is it possible to reach someone like this and help her understand how a normal conversation works? Is it harmful that her grandchildren don’t want to spend time with her? I don’t push them to visit because they come away feeling irritated and let down. Their father, however, is unhappy about that. What do you suggest? — FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your mother-in-law seems almost entirely focused on herself. If 30 years of trying have not helped her understand that her lack of interest in her grandchildren has created distance between them, you and your husband need to accept that she is unlikely to change. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution. After being treated this way for so long, your children will not want to spend more time with their grandmother than necessary, regardless of whether their father approves.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have an OK relationship now. We argued constantly when we were growing up, but that’s fairly typical among siblings. When our father died, though, I found out through social media rather than from a phone call. I was deeply hurt and angry.
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How do I move beyond it? I told my sister how painful it was, but I still can’t let it go. Now our mother’s health is failing, and I worry the same thing could happen again. I have been named executor of her will and trustee of any assets that will go to my older sister. How can I work through what happened and prepare for future dealings with my sister? — YOUNG EXECUTOR
DEAR YOUNG EXECUTOR: I’m sorry your mother is ill. Serving as an executor is a significant responsibility. As you handle the necessary arrangements, try to establish a calm, respectful tone and approach your duties with humility. Rather than remaining focused on the past, carry out your responsibilities objectively and carefully. If the estate is substantial or your sister challenges the terms of the will, consult a probate attorney so the process can remain professional and less personal.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.