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DEAR ABBY: About six months ago, I began spending time with a woman who had just gone through a difficult breakup. Initially, our relationship was purely platonic, but we soon found ourselves sharing intimate details of our lives. Despite her claims that we were merely “just friends,” she continued dating other men, which didn’t initially concern me.
As time went on, our friendship turned intimate. About three months ago, she started referring to the three of us—herself, her dog, and me—as a “family,” and often spoke of future plans, including children and grandchildren. She expressed a desire to meet my parents and introduced me to hers when they visited. I began to envision a long-term future with her, even though she maintained that we were just friends.
However, three weeks ago, she began dating someone else. She expressed a wish to remain best friends, revealing that she had been ambivalent about us as a couple because she didn’t feel consistently physically attracted to me, despite our months of intimacy. Feeling hurt and confused, I decided to end things. Can you offer any insight? — REJECTED IN COLORADO
DEAR REJECTED: I’ll do my best. The woman you were involved with, though mature in age, seems to lack emotional maturity. While physical attraction can be an exhilarating part of a relationship, it often fades over time, and lasting partnerships require more substantial foundations to thrive. Appreciate her honesty about her feelings, but understand that you have likely avoided future heartache by moving on. Remember, not all women are like her, and you will find someone worthy of your trust.
DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine recently got married, and I was invited to be a bridesmaid. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, I had to decline. Nonetheless, I attended the wedding and brought a suitable gift. However, a few months later, I discovered that their marriage wasn’t legally registered; it was merely a commitment ceremony. When I inquired why she didn’t announce it as such, she admitted she wanted people to perceive it as a real wedding.
I’m feeling a bit betrayed, and I wonder how her other guests would feel if they found out. I’m not sure I would have bought such an expensive gift if I had known beforehand. Is there a rule of etiquette for this sort of thing, or am I overthinking it? — WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WONDERING: Your reaction is understandable. While no formal rule of etiquette forbids lying to one’s friends and loved ones, the Bible has something to say about it. Your friend wanted a party. She wanted gifts. She and her boyfriend did not want a legal commitment that lasts a lifetime or they would have had an actual wedding.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.