DEAR ABBY: Let me share a bit about my family dynamics. My husband, who has both a twin brother, “Kaden,” and a younger sibling, seems to be constantly overshadowed by parental favoritism toward Kaden. From the tales his family shares, it’s obvious his parents have long showered Kaden with most of their time, energy, and financial resources. Initially, this attention seemed justified since Kaden battled health issues as a child and needed extra care. However, even now as a healthy man in his mid-30s, not much has changed in how they treat him.
For instance, during the speech at our wedding, my father-in-law astonishingly asked everyone to toast to Kaden’s many successes, rather than celebrating my husband and me. Our plans are frequently disrupted when they cancel visits to us because Kaden decides to drop by. Their holidays are meticulously planned around destinations Kaden suggests. Conversations with them often turn frustrating, as the dialogue veers mostly toward Kaden’s happenings.
Discussing this with my husband isn’t easy, as he gets upset whenever I bring it up. His younger brother dismisses the issue as a longstanding norm. Now, Kaden and his spouse are hoping to start a family, and my husband wants us to begin trying as well.
I feel torn, Abby. I deeply value the role of grandparents who actively nurture and support their grandkids. However, given the preferential treatment we’ve seen over the last three decades, I fear that if we have children, they would be sidelined in favor of Kaden’s kids.
The anxiety weighs on me—the thought of my children having their birthdays overlooked or of grandparents being uninterested worries me greatly. I hesitate to subject my future kids to such a reality and am seriously considering declining my husband’s wish to start a family right now, regardless of potential consequences for our marriage. Do you think I’m being unreasonable? — UNFAVORITE IN THE WEST
DEAR UNFAVORITE: Because of the degree of dysfunction on your husband’s side of the family, it might be helpful to talk this through during some sessions with a marriage and family therapist. You didn’t mention in your letter whether you want to be a mother. If the answer is yes, it could be time for you and your husband to start — provided he isn’t making the request because he’s trying to keep up with his twin brother.
Granted, your in-laws may be dreadful grandparents — but there are usually four of them. I would think your parents would be delighted at the prospect of a new grandchild, as would other relatives on your side of the family.
DEAR ABBY: I am a lover of words and find great pleasure in them. There are so many different ways to express myself that I try to use as many as possible. It was recently suggested that perhaps I should limit my vocabulary in order not to confuse some within my circle. I would never knowingly want to make anyone feel “less than,” but it breaks my heart a little bit to not use all the wonderful words available to me. Am I being too sensitive? — LOVES LANGUAGE IN THE EAST
DEAR LOVES: Words are meant to help us communicate with each other, not separate us. If the vocabulary you are using is too esoteric for your friends to easily comprehend, do them (and yourself) a favor by using language they can understand when you are with them and save the fancy lingo for people who are more receptive.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.