DEAR ABBY: After 41 years of marriage, I find myself questioning whether my husband truly loves me. Although he is attentive to my needs and those of our family, a distressing truth overshadows our relationship—he’s been unfaithful throughout our marriage. Despite his care, our physical intimacy is lacking. My attempts at romantic gestures meet only with fleeting, impersonal responses.
In an effort to reignite our relationship, I’ve proposed regular date nights and suggested that we dine out together once or twice a month. Now that our children are grown and independent, I feel we should be embracing our freedom to focus on each other. Despite my efforts, my intuition tells me he continues his infidelities. How should I navigate this? — DISILLUSIONED IN ARIZONA
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: It’s possible your husband loves you, just not in the way you desire. It’s also conceivable that he’s maintaining the marriage to avoid the complexities and costs of divorce. Trust your instincts—if you suspect he’s still unfaithful, you may want to undergo STD testing as a precaution. To obtain concrete evidence of his fidelity, consider hiring a private investigator. Should your suspicions prove correct, you’ll face the difficult decision of whether to remain in the marriage.
DEAR ABBY: Having recently celebrated my 80th birthday, I’m grateful for my excellent health. Through diligent effort, I’ve achieved financial independence, secured long-term care insurance, installed an elevator for convenience in my home, and maintain an active lifestyle.
However, my friends have launched what I jokingly call the “Golden Girls Campaign Movement,” persistently suggesting that we cohabitate or jointly purchase a house. While I cherish their friendship, my autonomy is paramount. I’ve communicated my stance tactfully and, when necessary, with directness—emphasizing that cohabitation is not an option. Yet, my words seem to fall on deaf ears. I seek companionship, not roommates. How can I handle this situation? — ANNOYED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ANNOYED: From now on, when your friends raise the subject, smile and say, “I want friends, not roommates. I prefer to live independently.” Repeat it as often as necessary. It’s the truth.
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He’s a retired doctor and knows what to expect in the coming years. We’re a close family and are always honest with each other. My wife and I do not know the best ways to support my sister. She is also a health professional who knows what is in store. Any help you may suggest will be shared among our family members, as we want to present a united approach. — FAMILY IN OREGON
DEAR FAMILY: I’m sorry for your brother-in-law’s diagnosis. Because he and his wife are well-equipped to tell you what they will need from you, ask them. Refrain from “going the extra mile” with assistance they have not requested. (You do not want to smother them.)
Closeness and honesty will be your greatest assets as you navigate this chapter of your BIL’s life. For additional support, the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) has resources, both for the affected person and for caregivers.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.