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Dear Jane,
Traditionally, my wife and I have steered clear of celebrating Valentine’s Day. It’s a holiday that doesn’t resonate with us due to the immense pressure it brings. Besides, we both believe that love should be expressed year-round, not just on a single designated day.
This year, however, our hectic schedules have hindered our ability to spend quality time together, making it hard to reconnect.
In light of this, my wife decided that this Valentine’s Day would be an ideal moment to surprise me.
Unfortunately, what she planned did not go as anticipated.
She decided that every day leading up to Valentine’s Day this week, she would give me a ‘sexy’ surprise. Sounds like every man’s dream, right? Wrong!
While I’ll spare you the details, it has so far involved daily sexual propositions that she thinks I would like. And although I appreciate her planning and thoughtfulness it makes me feel disgusting, like I’m just using her – she’s my wife and I love her!
So, being only two days into this, I’m not sure I can follow through.
I don’t want to disappoint her, but I’m just not into this arrangement – even for a week.
How do I break it to her? Is there some sort of compromise we can reach?
Sincerely,
Vile Valentine
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Vile Valentine,
First of all, kudos to you for writing about this issue.
The fact that you’re worried about hurting her and that you so clearly express your love tells me that this is coming from a healthy place.
It’s not unusual for married couples to have different ways of communicating and it may be helpful to understand where she is coming from.
She hasn’t read you correctly in this instance but, given how dull married sex can become, many women assume that what men want from them is to suddenly become more sexually interested.
It’s very important that you don’t follow through with this because, as each day passes, you’re going to feel more pressure.
Resentment quietly builds when we don’t speak up, and every healthy relationship is based on a foundation of trust, communication and emotional safety. That’s why you have to say something.
As to how you break it to her, the easiest way to convey difficult information is always to think of it as a sort of verbal sandwich: start with positive, insert the problem, end with positive.
Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the ways she’s trying to make you happy. Be clear that she hasn’t done anything wrong but let her know that it makes you feel pressurized or uncomfortable and isn’t the way you want to connect with her.
Framing the conversation in this way should open the door for a healthy conversation. You’re validating the fact that she has made an effort, keeping the focus on your feelings, not shaming her sexually, and opening the door to collaboration, all of which will pave the way for a closer, healthier relationship going forward.
Dear Jane,
We’ve been lying to our kids – but I think it’s starting to get out of hand.
You see, our kids are a bit misbehaved, and, if my husband or I ever tell them ‘no,’ all hell breaks loose. So, instead of giving a valid reason for refusing their demands, we’ve been coming up with lies – for everything.
But what started as a way to stop their whining has quickly snowballed into a larger issue.
They want ice cream? All the ice cream shops are closed. They want iPad time? The battery is dead. Their favorite show is annoying us? It got canceled today. Heck, we tell them that the tooth fairy is broke if we forget to put a dollar under their pillow, or that monsters under their bed will come out if they don’t go to sleep on time.
While my husband isn’t particularly concerned by these white lies, I’m worried that the more we tell, the less our kids will believe us when we’re actually telling the truth. And, there has to be a better way to avoid their tantrums than with flat-out lies.
But I also don’t know how to backtrack the lies we’ve already told them, which is why my husband thinks we should continue with our current parenting method.
Are all these white lies harmful to our kids? And if so, are we really too far gone to correct course?
Sincerely,
Parenting Fail
Dear Parenting Fail,
Let me be absolutely clear – stop the lying immediately!
I understand why you did it, that you thought it was a softer way of saying no, but you are doing nobody any favors here.
Children who have been coddled and protected don’t do nearly as well as young adults. The world is often harsh. Your job, as their parents, is not to line the way with cotton wool, but to let them fall, and get back up.
The greatest skill set you can teach your children is resilience.
And do not be frightened of your children not liking you in the moment. Your children love you and it’s fine for them to dislike you at times.
Look, I know parenting is hard. It’s often brutal to be the bad guy, but without a parent saying no children do not learn how to navigate the realities of an adult world.
Rather than try and avoid the tantrums, allow their emotional meltdowns, to a point.
Continued bad behavior has to result in a consequence, and that consequence should relate to the issue.
You can very calmly send them to their room with instructions not to come out until they have calmed down. If they continue, say that that’s one more day without ice-cream, or watching TV, or having access to screens.
Then, (and this is the most important part), stick to it. You will find those tantrums abating very quickly.
I know the trend is for ‘gentle parenting’ right now, but parenting is a job, and your job is to teach your children how to conduct and contain themselves in the world.