I Cheated on My Boyfriend During a Girls’ Trip and Can’t Keep It Secret

Dear Jane,

I recently went away for my best friend’s bachelorette celebration, and, as these trips often go, the drinks were flowing a little too freely.

During one especially chaotic night out, our group walked past a tattoo studio and, caught up in the excitement, decided that tiny matching tattoos would be the perfect way to mark the occasion.

By the next morning, however, the fun of the impulse had completely worn off, and I was overwhelmed with regret.

The problem isn’t the tattoo itself — it’s just a small heart on my wrist — but the fact that, in my drunken haze, I somehow forgot how much my boyfriend absolutely hates tattoos.

Whenever we see someone in public who has them, no matter how small, he always makes a comment about how they’ve ‘ruined’ their body. He’s repeatedly said he’s so glad I don’t have tattoos myself because he thinks they’re ‘hideous.’ He’s gone so far as to say that he’d even break up with me if I ever got a tattoo.

So, ever since I got back from the trip, I’ve been trying to hide my new ink.

I’ve been wearing long sleeves or stacking multiple bracelets on my wrist to keep it out of sight.

But I don’t know how much longer I can hide this secret. It’s exhausting. I just worry how he will react when I tell him what I’ve done – and how I’ve lied about it.

Sincerely,

Tattoo Regret

Dear Tattoo Regret,

I’m afraid that as much as your boyfriend may loathe tattoos, it is your body, your life and your choice. 

You have done absolutely nothing wrong in choosing to get a tattoo without his knowledge or permission. 

You are not his chattel, nor his possession. And frankly, if he decides to break up with you because you went ahead and made a decision that you know he would disapprove of, I would say it’s a very lucky escape indeed.

We don’t get to dictate what our loved ones do or do not do. The most we can do is express an opinion, then, if we are emotionally mature and healthy, accept when our partners make a different choice.

For what it’s worth, my former husband also hated tattoos. I knew that if I had let him know I was getting one, he would have prevented me and I didn’t want to continue giving my power away. So, I didn’t tell him. I took a girlfriend with me and got a tattoo, showing him when I got home. Was he disappointed? Yes. Did he accept it? Yes. 

Because he was emotionally mature enough to recognize that he did not have dominion over me.

The thing is, Tattoo Regret, no-one has dominion over you. That means no-one holds supreme authority or control over you. And generally, when someone does, it’s because we have unconsciously given them that power.

Wear your tattoo proudly and, when he asks, tell him. If he reacts as badly as you think he might, I promise you, you will be better off without him. 

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Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been together for years and it was finally time we started talking about marriage.

We’ve been discussing it for months, going ring shopping together and talking about our future.

I had always envisioned a very specific kind of engagement ring and at all of our appointments had shown him exactly what it was I wanted.

But when it came time for him to pop the question, he pulled out the ring box and inside was a ring nowhere near close to what I had shown him.

Of course, in the moment, I said yes. I wasn’t about to let a ring get in the way of marrying the love of my life.

But in the weeks since, I cringe every time I look at my hand.

While it is beautiful, it didn’t feel like ‘me.’ It’s gold, not silver – and I am strictly a silver girl – and the diamond is an oval rather than the pear shape I had picked out.

While I am disappointed that it isn’t what I wanted, I’m more so concerned that he just didn’t listen to what I wanted and completely went off script. Honestly, it felt disrespectful and rude that he had ignored me.

This isn’t the ring I want for the rest of my life – nor even the rest of the month – but I fear that telling him would hurt his feelings. 

Should I just suck it up until it’s time to upgrade after we’re married, or do I break it to him that I can’t stand the ring?

Sincerely,

Wrong Ring

Dear Wrong Ring,

First of all, congratulations on the engagement – ring, no ring, even wrong ring, it’s still a lovely thing to celebrate.

And while your fiancé didn’t hear what you were telling him, let’s assume that rather than him deliberately ignoring you, or choosing not to hear you, he was perhaps busy, or thought you would love the ring he chose.

Whatever the case, I doubt very much that he intended to give you a ring that would make you cringe, nor do I think he has deliberately done something that is disrespectful, or rude.

Look at this as your first big test. Marriage, after all, is a series of tests, which means you do need to tell him that you would like to change the ring. As always when delivering news that may be difficult to receive, sandwich the bad news between two bits of good news. 

Start by telling him how much you love him, how excited you are to be married to him, then slide in the fact that you are a silver girl. That you had your heart set on a pear shape and perhaps add that you feel a little hurt that he didn’t recall after you had talked about it so much. 

End by asking if the two of you can go together to look at exchanging it and finding something that you know you will love forever.