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DEAR ABBY: I regret my decision to relocate 2,000 miles across the nation to be near my grandchildren. I’ve observed that my son and daughter-in-law shower more attention on the other set of grandparents. They go out of their way to plan activities with my daughter-in-law’s parents, capturing and sharing these bonding moments with the grandkids on Facebook. When I do similar things with the children, no pictures are taken. Additionally, it’s often challenging to spend time with them as my daughter-in-law frequently rushes them off for other engagements. It feels as if she prefers her parents to be the only ones forming a close bond with the grandkids.
Every day, I feel a sense of nausea. In the past, my work schedule prevented me from visiting as often as the other grandparents could, leading me to miss out on many moments. I genuinely believed that by relocating here, I’d feel more integral in my grandchildren’s lives rather than a stranger. I am a single, working individual and this move was a significant upheaval, yet I believed it would be worthwhile for the chance to be a more actively engaged grandparent. Unfortunately, little has changed. What are your thoughts? — LEFT OUT IN TENNESSEE
DEAR LEFT OUT: The unease you are experiencing might stem from anxiety. This is an issue you should address with your son. Before drawing any conclusions, it would be useful to know whether you consulted with him and his wife about your potential move to Tennessee and gauged their reaction, or if you simply declared your decision. If they endorsed the idea but have not made an effort to include you, it reflects poorly on them.
Family counseling might help smooth things out if they are willing. If they aren’t, and you aren’t able to forge the kind of relationship you want with your grandchildren, consider making another move — somewhere where you are wanted and not so isolated.
DEAR ABBY: Sometimes, when I offer sympathy to someone about a difficult situation they are experiencing by saying, “I’m sorry,” that person will respond by saying, “It’s not your fault,” or “No need to apologize.” It happened again today. The definition of “sorry” is “an expression of sorrow or regret.” It’s not necessarily an apology.
When people respond this way, I find it awkward, embarrassing and even belittling. Please ask your readers to take the expression as it is intended. It’s usually obvious whether the person speaking is apologizing or expressing sympathy for your situation. — APOLOGIZING IN THE WEST
DEAR APOLOGIZING: People, in general, have their personal pet peeves. Although this response is yours, I doubt many people will stop doing it because of one letter in my column. The next time it happens, tell the person you weren’t apologizing, simply expressing sympathy. If you say it with a smile, the person is less likely to be offended.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.