Tom Brady and Sofia Vergara set off five alarm gossip bells last week with rumors of a blossoming yacht romance.

However, a source close to Brady quickly dampened the summer excitement by setting the record straight. They dismissed the rumors and commented that the 53-year-old actress was ‘too old’ for 47-year-old Tom. Furthermore, they mentioned he could manage her vibrant Colombian personality only in ‘small doses’.

Predictably, the knives came out for the QB with the most Superbowl hardware in history — and Sofia lovers called him ageist, misogynist scum.

But, sorry to say: I get it!

The comely would-be couple were first linked when they sat together over dinner on the newly launched Ritz Carlton yacht.  

This month, the ship’s inaugural cruise along the Italian coastline cleverly coincided with the star-studded Bezos wedding, attracting many of their high-profile guests to join in and extend the celebration on board.

Rumor has it that Tom personally requested to sit with Sofia — and I bet that’s when she started yapping about her favorite subject: Sofia Vergara.

Trust me.

I met Sofia at the MTV Video Music Awards back in 2010. While she was enjoying tremendous success from her role in Modern Family, instead of being lively and cheerful, I found her to be irritating, boastful, and patronizing.

She looked at me, a lowly journalist, like the veritable dirt on her Manolo.

It was a shame because I was such a fan of her Gloria character, but off camera – and despite her glorious curves — she has some sharp edges.

That night I also met the man who would become her second ex-husband, actor Joe Manganiello.

He was the utter opposite: gracious, affable and the kind of humble guy you want to root for. But he also got caught in her propeller.

Soon after their 9-year union imploded last year, Sofia — worth a reported $180 million — gave an interview clearly designed to cut handsome Joe down to size.

‘I want somebody that has as much money as me or more, because if not, it’s a nightmare. They end up resenting you,’ she said.

If only that were the reason they end up resenting you, Sofia.

That naughty Tom Brady source told the Daily Mail last week that while the actress is certainly ‘his type… he isn’t going to start a relationship with her as she is older and stuck in her ways. He knows he could only take her in small doses.’

Translation: She’s hot. But really, really annoying.

She’s part of the Heidi Klum School of aging beauties who desperately advertise their bare assets on social media in a bid to squeeze every bit of daylight out of their hotness before the sun sets for good.

In fact, we only learned Sofia was on the Ritz Carlton yacht thanks to her constant stream of Insta snaps, showcasing her bodacious but aging backside.

She has a son who’s 33. You wouldn’t know it.

And despite Brady’s own predilection for nude sunbathing and over-plucking those brows, he’s actually a pretty private guy.

His Gisele Bündchen divorce was wounding. And while she’s moved swiftly on to play bedroom martial arts with her jiu-jitsu instructor, Tom’s been left alone in retirement to worry about their three children.

After appearing in a Netflix ‘roast’ last year — replete with light ribbing about his recent split — Tom admitted he thought of it as a parenting ‘f*** up’.

‘It was tough on my kids for sure.’

So it is any wonder he now fears a hot-blooded blabbermouth who may use a union with him as leverage in the TikTok clout-chasing race?

This Herculean hottie may be a highly sought after, lubed up hunk of man meat, but he’s still a real person with real feelings and is entitled to not date someone who’ll treat him like a fleshy Vince Lombardi trophy.

And spare me the talk of ageism and misogyny. I too am 52 and partnered up with a younger man. But I have enough self-respect to not post every detail of our lives — and my bare body! — and he very much enjoys when I tell him about things from the olden days like ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ and seeing ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ at the movies.

Tom’s just being honest. Let him move on and not pester him to death over dodging this blatant bullet.

French Epstein

Attorney General Pam Bondi is praying she never hears the name Jeffrey Epstein ever again. But I’m dumping fuel on the raging conspiracy fire.

Remember Jean-Luc Brunel, the French ‘modeling agent’ who allegedly pimped out 12-year-old girls to Epstein and friends.

Brunel curiously committed suicide in a Parisian jail, two years after Jeff allegedly off’ed himself.

Sorry, Pammy. I’m not helping, am I?

 Stupid spice

Just how god awful are Krazy Kamala’s political instincts?

During the 2024 campaign, she botched a softball sit-down with a friendly podcaster who asked her for her hottest hot take.

Harris’s answer to this observant Muslim host: bacon should be used as a ‘spice’ on everything.

The buried interview has now resurfaced. Kamala’s career has not.

Bad double date

This week Prince and Princess of Wales hosted French President Emanuel Macron and his prize-fighting wife for a state visit.

Royal watchers were pleased to see the affectionate hometown pair so cozy, as William gently helped his wife down the stairs.

Emanuel was just lucky he didn’t get hit again.

Valley girl

The hills were out in Sun Valley as Lauren Sanchez and her trophy husband strolled through the billionaire summer camp with her Rocky Mountains on display. Girl, you got the guy, give the cleavage a rest.

Jazzy Jeff squeak out a million for better fitting tops.

Spare a quid?

Barack Obama may be worth a handsome $70 million, but he’s still grinding.

Barry is hawking photo-ops and hand shakes at a pair of September speaking gigs in the UK for a cool 1750 pounds a pop.

He should donate the proceeds to the upkeep of his $1 billion presidential library.

Nah… let the taxpayer cover it.

Kate Mossy

Kate Moss looked beat up from the feet up at a recent beach outing.

The once gorgeous supermodel appears to have skipped the dentist by the look of her corn-tooth smile. Is she playing ex-Johnny Depp in a new biopic?

Gen-Z Milli Vanilli

A rediscovered 60s band is smashing it on Spotify.

The Velvet Sundown has amassed over a million monthly listeners, but it turns out they’re as fake as the affection between the First Couple of France.

This soulless hoax is an AI creation!

Well, they’re perfect for a generation raised on iPhones and isolation.