Who knew fascism could be so… sexy?

The discontented left is now labeling popular figure Sydney Sweeney as a Nazi sympathizer due to her participation in an American Eagle jeans ad campaign. In the campaign, the Euphoria actress is depicted in relaxed-fitting boyfriend jeans, a low-cut jacket, and denim while leaning out from the hood of a vintage car.

Darn those totalitarians are tricky.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the headlights.

In one snippet that has drawn criticism from opinionated individuals, Sydney softly says: ‘Genes are passed down from parents to offspring, often determining traits like hair color, personality, and even eye color… my jeans are blue.’

Oh, I get it. She has great ‘genes’ because she’s hot as all get out and she wears American Eagle blue jeans, so I should too.

Wrong!

Some perceive her as a blonde-haired, blue-eyed representation of Josef Mengele starting a dark eugenics initiative, and this advertisement for a clothing store typically found in American malls (probably next to Auntie Anne’s Pretzels) is considered a racist message. At least, that’s what critical TikTok users with piercing septum rings claim.

The ads are filled with ‘fascist propaganda’ and it’s ‘really shocking’ that a ‘blue-eyed white woman is talking about her “good genes,”‘ ranted one chubby progressive, who was – ironically – a blue-eyed white female.

At least the hysteria is contained to the noxious fever swamps of social media.

Wrong again!

Read the real-time mental breakdown of Washington Post fashionistas Rachel Tashijian, who vacillated between disgust and condescension.

‘A large part of her success is her ability to appeal to men and women. And that seemed to be the first point of controversy here: Many of the images and videos… seem tailored for the male gaze specifically,’ burped Tashijian.

Oh no, not the ‘male gaze’! You mean a mass-market ad campaign is capitalizing on the appeal of a curvy, budding sex symbol? That’s disgusting.

‘For the past five or six years, it seemed like fashion and pop culture were very interested in — even dedicated to — body positivity. Now we’re being fed a lot of images of thinness, whiteness and unapologetic wealth porn,’ explained Tashijian.

So… obese models in revealing tank tops = good. Healthy actresses in baggy jeans = bad.

Oh, pipe down, you exhausting scolds!

You’re just jealous that Sweet Ms. Sweeney is better built, more attractive and more successful than you bottom-feeding, culture war parasites! It’s as obvious as your oversized nose rings – and equally revolting.

And here’s the proof: The Sweeney ad seems to be, in fact, an homage to a 1980s Calvin Klein ad featuring Brooke Shields. In it, Shields rolls around on the floor against an all-white background, while struggling to pull up on a pair of jeans and explaining how ‘genes are fundamental to determining the characteristics of an individual.’

‘Which brings us to Calvins,’ Shields concludes, ‘and the survival of the fittest.’

Shields, of course, is a brunette – utterly destroying the ridiculous left-wing lunatic theory that the Sweeney ad was concocted to be a coded appeal to Aryan sensibilities.

The ad was actually a rip-off. And a good one at that. 

This is the truth of this summer tempest – it is not the first time that Sydney, the icy-eyed temptress, has waded into ginned-up controversy. She’s long been the target of hate-fueled leftists.

After her mom’s 60th birthday in 2023, she posted pictures of two guests who dared to wear red hats emblazoned with white font reading, ‘MAKE SIXTY GREAT AGAIN.’ Sweeney was accused of being a secret – gasp! – Trumper and nearly canceled by idiots offended by a non-sanctioned sense of humor.

In response, Sweeney explained the joke – and urged her fans to leave politics out of it. But they can’t, and now she’s been branded MAGA-adjacent, making her a target for their unhinged hysterics.

Well, I say: who cares? The person who hatched this marketing campaign deserves an immediate raise.

Not only did this campaign create buzz, but it also almost immediately juiced American Eagles’ sagging stock, and it gives exasperated Gen Zers a reason to thumb their noses at aging millennial killjoys.

Sydney does have great genes – and she gives zero Fs.

Bravo!

Bad romance

If Katy Perry is trying to get back at ex Orlando Bloom, she is failing miserably.

The jilted crooner was snapped on a date in Montreal this week with that thick slab of Canadian vegan bacon, Justin Trudeau.

I can’t think of a more unappetizing snack. This stomach-churning union won’t make Whorelando envious – but it’s making me green.

Rat trap

Children at a Tallahassee, Florida Chuck E. Cheese were traumatized last week when police hand-cuffed the chain’s costumed mascot and frog-walked him out the door.

One mom who witnessed the ugly scene said, ‘My kids all week were like, “Why did Chuck E. get arrested?”’

Alleged credit card fraud, mama. You think he bought all that cheese on a mascot’s salary?

Rep Meathead

Accused on-air flatulist Rep. Eric Swalwell has been at the gym blowing off steam – dare I say – parping hot air.

‘I should be working right now,’ Swalwell grunted as he bench-pressed a laughably light load, chiding Republicans for calling an early Congressional recess. ‘I should be at the Capitol. I should be in a suit.’

Try a diaper, Eric.

Dog-eat-food world

A new study finds half of American dogs are overweight, which is quite low considering 80 percent of American are tipping the scales into Chubville.

After all, they say dogs look like their owners.

Stephen’s sentence

TV courtroom goddess, Judge Judy issued a harsh verdict on Late Night Not-So-Funny Man Stephen Colbert’s career.

When asked what she thought of CBS axing his show, the gavel-banger said: ‘When a show loses money, it gets cancelled.’

Her sentence for Sad Stephen? Retirement, with no chance of parole.

Suns out, buns out

Troubled pop-prince Justin Bieber accidentally dropped trou and practically mooned the crowd this week at a release party for his new album Swag.

I understand Biebs may be a little cash-strapped after canning his last tour, but can’t his billionaire wife afford to buy him a belt?

Champagne socialist

Proud commie and likely next mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani sure lives like a greedy capitalist.

He took full advantage of the wealth gap in his birthplace of Uganda, hosting his wedding reception at his parent’s palatial estate, in an exclusive, gated community protected by a phalanx of armed guards.

Meanwhile, 41 percent of Ugandans live below the international poverty line, earning $1.90 per day.

Proving that behind every socialist is a healthy trust fund.