DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. My father is still furious with my mother, and she is indifferent toward him. 

My son is about to graduate from high school, and both grandparents want to attend the ceremony and dinner afterward.

Nevertheless, my father adamantly refuses to be near, or even within view, of my mother. He expects me to organize the day in a way that ensures they won’t encounter each other at all—using separate cars, taking different routes, sitting in different sections, posing for photos separately, and having meals at different restaurants.

My brother went through this when his child graduated, and it was quite burdensome. It seems unnecessary. They are both 75 years old and should be capable of sitting a row apart without causing a scene. I prefer to distribute tickets for the event and make a single dinner reservation, welcoming anyone who can attend and maintain civility.

My son is upset with me because his grandfather is pressuring him about us not facilitating his presence at the graduation. However, my son is not willing to take on the task of planning how my parents can enter and exit the venue without any chance of interaction.

Am I right that this is silly? For what it’s worth, Mom doesn’t care one way or the other. — DAUGHTER WITH A DILEMMA

DEAR DAUGHTER: What your father refuses to recognize is that these special occasions are NOT all about him and his grudge against your mother, presumably for having the audacity to leave him. 

Because you are unwilling to jump through hoops to accommodate his childish, demanding behavior, tell your father that if he can’t bury the hatchet on this special occasion and celebrate your son’s achievement, you will understand and omit him from the guest list. The choice is his to make — whether to celebrate his grandson’s milestone or continue to feed his grudge.

DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children. 

I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me). 

I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like “Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you.” Was I wrong? — NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO THANKS: According to many religions, the highest form of charity is that which is anonymous. Your gift to your son came from the heart, but it shouldn’t have been given expecting to be thanked by your grandchildren. Your son is safe, thanks to your generosity, and that in itself should be your reward. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.