DEAR ABBY: I was a victim of sexual abuse during childhood, which has left me feeling uncomfortable with physical touch as an adult woman. Despite undergoing therapy and making progress, I still have reservations about being touched. I generally ask people to seek my permission before touching me, and usually, I comply.

The ongoing problem lies with my mother-in-law, who disregards my request to ask before touching me. She frequently initiates unwanted hugs or approaches me from behind without prior consent. Even after I explained my past to her and emphasized the importance of seeking permission, she dismisses it, claiming she means no harm. In one instance, she even questioned if I believed she would harm me, which is not the case. This issue is about my boundaries and comfort, but she fails to recognize this.

My husband opts out of intervening, expressing his aversion to being caught in the middle. How can I effectively convey to my mother-in-law the significance of asking for consent before making physical contact with me? — PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked. If she says, “Do you think I’m going to attack you?” your response should be, “That’s exactly what it feels like! It feels like I’m being assaulted. Don’t do it!” If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.

P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.

DEAR ABBY: I always considered my lifelong friend “Mary” to be my best friend. We are in our mid-50s now and live in different countries, but we’ve always stayed in contact. When she comes to visit, she stays with me. I sometimes pick her up at the airport, and I give her my guest room to stay in. I have never asked her for any money. I am single. Everything was fine; we enjoyed each other’s company. 

I recently asked Mary if I could stay at her house (just overnight) and explained I wouldn’t mind sleeping on the sofa. She said she couldn’t have me for even one night because she has a small apartment, no guest room and she’s married. I felt hurt because I never expected her refusal, especially the “I’m married” part, because it implied she doesn’t trust me with her husband around. Frankly, I was dumbfounded and speechless. 

I still love Mary, but I cannot get over what she said. Am I being overly sensitive? I cry about this every time I remember. — THROWN IN PUERTO RICO

DEAR THROWN: Your friend told you she doesn’t have a house; she lives in a small apartment. It could be a one-bedroom or studio. Rather than implying you might come on to her husband, she may have been trying to convey in her abbreviated statement that HE is not open to having a guest sleep on their couch. I know you are disappointed, but stop taking this so personally. When you visit, you will get the complete picture.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.