DEAR ABBY: My brother has entered a new chapter of his life, having found love once more. Two years ago, he lost his first wife to cancer. Now, he’s planning to marry again in two months. Although we were never particularly close, we maintained a cordial relationship, typically spending a few hours together during holidays or family birthdays.
Our 89-year-old mother resides in a separate apartment within his home, serving as our main connection. My brother has a quick temper and can be curt with me and others, which makes me worry that once our mother is gone, he might cut ties completely, leaving me out of his life.
I expressed this concern in an email to him, but his response was startling. He criticized my facial expressions and mannerisms, claiming that he finds my words insincere and superficial. He even mentioned that others share this opinion. His words felt like a deep betrayal, and he said he wished he could show me a video to prove my supposed insincerity. The exchange left me in tears and physically ill.
Feeling humiliated by his and others’ judgments about me, I’ve decided to skip his wedding. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who question my integrity. Is avoiding the wedding the right decision? Should I attend for the sake of my mother? — STUNNED AND EMBARRASSED
DEAR STUNNED: While your brother seems to have moved on romantically, he appears to harbor underlying issues. His harsh words were intentional and hurtful, possibly stemming from unresolved sibling rivalry. This is not a situation you can remedy on his behalf.
Under the circumstances, not wanting to attend that wedding is understandable. However, just because your brother says something does not make it true. They may be his feelings, but he doesn’t have the right to speak for all your other relatives. That is why I hope you will maintain your relationships with the rest of the family and not allow him to drive you away.
DEAR ABBY: My mother comes over to visit every single evening at 7:30. She knows that I must be up early and leave the house at 5:30 a.m. to go to work. I have dropped numerous hints, but she’s oblivious. This causes a lot of stress in my marriage. My partner thinks it’s ridiculous to visit someone at 7:30 every night, especially since I have two kids who need rides home from practices in the evenings. Please help. — AT WITS’ END
DEAR WITS’ END: Because you have already tried talking to your mother about this but she doesn’t get the message, enlist the help of your partner and talk to her together. When you do, establish a realistic schedule for her visits — two days a week, perhaps — and how long they will last. Then, when the time is up, escort her to the door.
Your mother may do this because she has no life of her own. If that’s a contributing factor, start researching groups of seniors she might join for activities other than visiting her daughter every night. If you do, it may vastly improve the quality of her life and the lives of those in your household.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.