DEAR ABBY: At 54, I’ve reconnected with “Neil,” my best friend from childhood, after 40 years apart, and we’re now engaged. While I don’t have children, Neil has two daughters, aged 11 and 13. The younger one is currently in therapy and on medication for depression and anxiety. I care for them deeply, as though they were my own. Their mother, however, is largely absent and neglectful, a fact that Neil can’t stand.
Unfortunately, Neil’s own behavior isn’t exemplary. He struggles with intense anger issues and has lashed out at me with harsh insults, often in front of his daughters. Despite seeking help through couples therapy, Neil still battles with his temper and excessive drinking, and is unable to set boundaries or enforce discipline, leaving the children without proper guidance from either parent.
I’m deeply unhappy and considering ending the relationship, yet after nearly five years together, the thought of leaving is wrenching. Not only would Neil be shattered, but the girls too, especially the younger one whose reaction I fear. Leaving would be as much a blow to me as it is to them.
I am dealing with bipolar disorder, and the strain on my mental and emotional well-being is palpable. The stress is also taking a toll on my physical health, causing issues like weight loss, psoriasis, and digestive problems. I’m lost, as my therapist hasn’t been very supportive. What should I do? — OVER MY HEAD IN NEW YORK
DEAR OVER: It seems your first step should be finding a new therapist who better suits your needs. Once you’ve regained some stability, remember that you do not have to shoulder Neil’s problems. Al-Anon meetings could provide you with support and clarity, helping you recognize that his struggles with anger and alcohol are not your burden to bear.
Neil’s children are not and should not be your responsibility. If you haven’t been able to establish a healthy, stable environment for them (at least when they are staying with their dad), accept that it isn’t likely to happen. Explain to the children that it is not their fault that you are leaving, and then move on.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 26 years. I have often felt as if we were growing apart, often finding interests in different things. We seem unable to discuss our emotions without one of us getting hurt feelings and the talk devolving into awful arguments. There has never been any real question of extramarital affairs.
One night, I playfully asked if I could go through his computer. He immediately became defensive, saying he just doesn’t like people getting into his computer, messing with his stuff. I get that. I wouldn’t want just anybody getting into my computer, either. However, I am not just anybody; I’m his wife. He has full access to all of my computers, phones and digital accessories. Why do I feel like he’s got something to hide? I don’t know what to do. — PRESUMPTION OF GUILT
DEAR PRESUMPTION: Pressing your husband on this issue right now will only lead to more arguments. If you want to repair the marriage, you both need to learn to communicate more effectively. Without mentioning his computer, invite your husband to see a licensed family therapist with you. If he refuses, go without him. If he agrees, work on the basics now and save the privacy issues and your suspicions for future sessions.